Fresh & Funny Tweets For Very Bored People

Want to entertain yourself with funny Twitter tidbits? Afraid of logging on because of...well, most people who tweet? We've got you covered. This batch of freshly harvested tweets offers all the humor without having to expose yourself to the stupid people and political fanatics on the website. You're safe here.

1.

Text - combination taco bell DIzza TACO BELL Drive Thru @combotacobell the sexual tension between the pizza hut and the taco bell it is attached to 11:33 AM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for Android 64 Retweets and comments 587 Likes

2.

Text - Shade 5 @Shade510 Once I saw the way that potato chip grease glistened off her chin, I was hers. 12:39 AM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for iPhone

3.

Text - Content Kings ... @CONT3NTKINGS She's saying "I hate youuuu" to someone else, time to move on g 6:15 PM · 2020-08-19 · Twitter for iPhone 103 Retweets and comments 436 Likes

4.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby At some point "unprecedented times" became normal. World on fire, sociopath leaders, pandemics. Old news. I'm only surprised if something nice happens. A meteor hitting Earth wouldn't phase me, but if a dog won the X-Games or even if everyone got a free sandwich? Uncharted waters 10:51 AM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for iPhone 243 Retweets 1,650 Likes

5.

Text - Adam @BrosefWtheMosef interviewer: can you explain the gap in your resume me: it's a paragraph break, I think it's under settings 2:55 PM · 2018-09-05 · Twitter Web App 487 Retweets and comments 1,263 Likes

6.

Text - Roy @Roy_oh_Roy [visiting America] Me: Popeye's? He's that spinach eating health nut isn't he? America: sure is Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch America: Imao nope 2:56 PM · 2020-08-19 · Twitter for iPhone

7.

Text - Adam ... @BrosefWtheMosef Even dogs know you shouldn't defund the post office 12:31 PM · 2020-08-20 · Twitter for iPhone

8.

Text - Das Skoogeth @Skoog bird 1: uh oh bird 2: don't worry he only has one stone 11:49 PM · 2020-08-20 · Twitter for iPhone 7,101 Retweets and comments 66K Likes

9.

Bird - slate ... @PleaseBeGneiss Do flamingos wear a karate belt like this or this 1:52 PM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for iPhone 85 Retweets and comments 470 Likes

10.

Text - elle @notfunnyelle imagine if elephants were the size of hamsters. i would have five. six. i would have a herd. OMG...the sound of them running across a hardwood floor! my heart 5:46 PM · 2020-08-20 · Twitter Web App

11.

Text - PAT BENATAR @Saraphomet 666 ... deart E If I cared about being judged by a stranger, l'd be religious. 9:04 PM · 2019-08-22 · Twitter for Android 1,651 Retweets and comments 3,502 Likes

12.

Text - SMadimoisellez @drivingmemadi ... me: does my voice turn you on? Alexa: yes 9:04 PM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for iPhone 48 Retweets and comments 407 Likes

13.

Text - SMadimoisellez @drivingmemadi sheep: um did you hear something? shepherd: no i haven't heard anything sheep: *smoking a cigar* ha no shit you fucking amateur 11:06 AM · 2020-07-26 · Twitter for iPhone 194 Retweets and comments 2,235 Likes

14.

Text - miKE LÄ°IERALLYO @SkippyMcGizzard I don't want to be linked in to whatever LinkedIn is linked in to. 3:02 AM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for Android

15.

Text - lowell @Lowelltf call me an apple the way I be in cider 12:25 AM · 2020-08-22 · Twitter for iPhone

16.

Text - Daveastated FOLDERS @Daveastated *to waitress* Her: l'd like this to go please. Waitress: That's a picture of your date. Her: Yeah, l'd like him to go. 5:33 PM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for Android

17.

Text - lowell @Lowelltf how do doctors die?? like look at your notes bru 8:30 PM · 2020-05-18 · Twitter for iPhone 54.4K Retweets and comments 422K Likes

18.

Text - Das Skoogeth @Skoog [being removed from the Hunger Games for eating three and a half of the other contestants] me: WELL THEN WHY (get your fucking hands off me) WHY WOULD THEY NΑΜΕ IT THAT??? 8:27 PM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for iPhone 55 Retweets 600 Likes

19.

Text - 4 ked @a_simpl_man crac ... Sometimes I wanna screenshot my brain 7:31 AM · 2020-07-13 · Twitter for Android

20.

Text - thomas ... @perfectsweeties ass so fat im taller sitting 11:23 PM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for Android 558 Retweets and comments 4,959 Likes

21.

Text - Heatherhere @Heatinblack Husband: You're lazy Me: Your lazy 11:35 AM · 2020-08-06 · Twitter for iPhone 125 Retweets and comments 263 Likes

22.

Text - miss mantis @MantisHeart why do cats sit on technology what do they know 5:38 AM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for iPhone 49.1K Retweets and comments 318K Likes

23.

Text - bacon popsicle @Gupton68 ... Me: Morning Funeral director: No, I'm just paid to look this sad 8:06 AM · 2019-07-14 · Twitter for iPhone

24.

Text - inkedupandsonic @sonictyrant thomas edison: *a candle appears above his head* i've just had an incredible idea 2:44 PM · 2020-07-10 · Twitter for Android 251 Retweets and comments 833 Likes

25.

Text - Mrs. Ashley @afiercemind A large group of humans is called a fuck that. 8:49 PM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for iPhone 457 Retweets and comments 1,557 Likes

26.

Text - Ghostface Kryllah @Kryzazy My rapper name would be "Lil' Panic Attack". 1:08 PM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for iPhone 123 Retweets and comments 306 Likes

27.

Text - Ghostface Kryllah @Kryzazy ... I'm just a girl standing in front of a snack, eating a snack while looking for another snack. 11:21 AM · 2020-07-23 · Twitter for iPhone 430 Retweets and comments 997 Likes

28.

Text - thomas •.. @perfectsweeties wrinkled clothes? nah thats an iron deficiency bro ur clothes are anemic 8:10 PM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for Android 215 Retweets and comments 1,568 Likes

29.

Text - vĪv *chay @Chay_Raghu HR : why is there a gap in 2020 in your CV Me :I was washing my hands. 6:59 AM · 2020-07-29 · Twitter for Android 274 Retweets and comments 548 Likes

30.

Text - Kung Fu Kanga @_little_old_me ... I miss the double cheeseburger I ate yesterday. 7:15 AM · 2020-08-22 · Twitter for Android

31.

Text - Daniel @Mr_DrEsquire I swirl a wine glass, inhale eagerly and lose myself momentarily in the intoxicating aroma. Slowly, I raise the glass and gingerly suckle at the rim. A salutary voice inquires "Is that..." I slap her. "Yes." | hiss. "It's gravy." We kiss passionately. I share my gravy with her. 3:51 AM · 2020-08-22 · Twitter for iPhone

32.

Text - half.baked.in.atl ... @propapergirl Why do we call them quads and not thighceps? 5:56 PM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for Android

33.

Text - fuck feelings @iRelateWords I respect people who are vocal. Like tell me why ur into me. Tell me why I pissed u off & how I can fix it. Tell me everything. Talk. 6:45 PM · 2018-08-14 · Twitter for iPhone 2,735 Retweets and comments 4,514 Likes

34.

Text - @unfukwitable Thate when people say "it's too early to eat that" lol what time does a stomach open? 7:04 PM · 2020-08-22 · Twitter Web App 108 Retweets and comments 518 Likes

35.

Text - natejokes C(ò_ó*)9 @perlhack sometimes takes me 2 hours just to take a 1 hour nap 8:03 PM · 2020-08-22 · Twitter Web App

36.

Text - Spanky McDutcherson @thatdutchperson Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options: 1. Stay together forever 2. Break up No pressure. 3:01 PM · 2014-10-05 · Twitter for iPhone 13.7K Retweets and comments 22.6K Likes

37.

Text - to'iap @ali_pazzels I just realized it's called your chest because your heart is your treasure 9:16 PM · 2020-08-20 · Twitter for Android

38.

Text - stellar @sparticus_af Who's the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks 10:42 PM · 2020-07-15 · Twitter for iPhone

39.

Text - Daveastated FOLDERS @Daveastated The closest | get to time travel is when | I go back for seconds. 8:05 PM · 2020-02-16 · Twitter for Android 98 Retweets and comments 220 Likes

40.

Text - Patches @mostly_cheese ME: shouldn't i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector? DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering* ME: DEBT COLLECTOR: i'll call you back 1:18 PM · 2020-05-28 · Twitter Web App 209 Retweets and comments 987 Likes

41.

Text - *sigh*clops @aotakeo me [holding onto my sadness like Gollum] my depressious 11:46 AM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for iPhone 768 Retweets and comments 3,781 Likes

42.

Automotive exterior - Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969 quack dealers 10:33 PM · 2020-08-20· Twitter for iPhone 330 Retweets and comments 1,199 Likes

43.

Text - Ð’oog @BoogTweets Me: *carefully going around the victims body with chalk* Detective: We don't usually outline the balls Me: oh I'm not a cop lol 12:05 PM · 2018-10-16 · Twitter for iPhone 4,852 Retweets and comments 22.9K Likes

44.

Text - Ð’oog @BoogTweets Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life Dog: that is correct 2:05 PM · 2020-07-28 · Twitter for iPhone 230 Retweets 1,148 Likes

45.

Text - mango propaganda account @grovymango •.. the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it's been heating up 2:01 PM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for iPhone 57.1K Retweets and comments 393K Likes

46.

Text - Воog @BoogTweets Your email didn't find me, Linda. You sent it to me, grow up 11:39 AM · 2020-07-18 · Twitter for iPhone 417 Retweets and comments 2,255 Likes

47.

Text - jo @WhaJoTalkinBout ... art teacher: is that a bird or a plane young clark kent: *crumples self portrait* 6:02 PM · 2019-12-01 · Twitter for iPhone 1,819 Retweets and comments 10.3K Likes

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