Quality Tweets For Discerning Scrollers

There are many ways to waste time on the internet. You can scroll Facebook to see what nonsense your racist aunts and uncles are posting. You can peruse Instagram to see what all your friends are eating. Or, you can take in this gallery of short and sweet Twitter gems that are packed with humor. The right choice is pretty obvious.

1.

Text - inkedupandsonic @sonictyrant Shrek: i'm an ass man Donkey: i have a girlfriend 7:50 AM · 2020-08-12 · Twitter for Android 120 Retweets and comments 295 Likes

2.

Text - Rob Actually @RobbyActually [Dating profile Jan 2020]: energetic 30 something who loves adventure and excitement. I love to travel! [Dating profile Aug 2020]: exhausted 70 year old with 100 loaves of homemade bread in my freezer. I haven't left my apartment in five months and have arthritis now. 11:03 PM · 2020-08-11 · Twitter for Android

3.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby They say a watched pot never boils and that's definitely true, you need other stuff like heat and water etc 10:21 AM · 2020-08-12 · Twitter for iPhone 236 Retweets and comments 2,904 Likes

4.

Text - Amish PornStarTM @AmishPornStar1 The United States has become a Reality TV show for the rest of the world. 4:33 PM · 2020-08-12 · Twitter for iPhone

5.

Text - Get a Loada Dis Guy @AwDisFckingGuy I won't be taking my kids to church. I'm going to give them a journal and a bag of shrooms and drop them off somewhere in the mountains. They can create their own religion 9:52 PM · 2020-06-08 · Twitter for iPhone

6.

Text - yessir* @priinnyvert some people are just M&Ms = %3D mistakes & memories 4:35 PM · 2020-08-06 · Twitter for Android 77.2K Retweets and comments 265K Likes

7.

Text - yessir* @priinnyvert i correct auto correct more than autocorrect corrects me 6:30 PM · 2020-08-01 · Twitter for Android 7,152 Retweets and comments 26.3K Likes

8.

Text - Shampoodler @Shampoodler WHAT THE FUCK bogle how many alligators are in florida Q All O Images 回News Videos O Shoppin About 9,740,000 results (0.53 seconds) 1.25 million alligators Roughly 1.25 million alligators live in the state of Florida. There are more than 1,000 American 9:23 PM · 2020-08-12 · Twitter Web App

9.

Text - $lap @slapthedon chill out bro she's dating both of us. you're my boyfriend in law 5:10 AM · 12 Aug 20 · Twitter for iPhone 20.8K Retweets and comments 136K Likes 27

10.

Text - G @ripgiannaa *me fully aware that JFC stands for jesus fucking christ* my brain: john f cennedy 12:18 AM · 2020-08-11 · Twitter for iPhone 45.9K Retweets and comments 420K Likes

11.

Text - Mika @bbgirlmikaa me trying to vent: idk like it's just idk dude idk 9:34 PM · 2020-08-12 · Twitter Web App 976 Retweets and comments 3,344 Likes

12.

Text - Emma Beasley @JustBeingEmma There are enough clean and well ordered homes out there.I don't feel the need to contribute to the redundancy. 12:40 PM · 2020-08-12 · Hootsuite Inc.

13.

Text - DestryTM @DestryBrod What's the correct ratio of gunpowder to essential oils? I want this bath bomb to be perfect. 6:16 PM · 2020-07-29 · Twitter for Android 324 Retweets and comments 951 Likes

14.

Fishing reel - ERIC THE GREAT @NotTodayEric If you can smell this picture you're my рeople.

15.

Text - HI SPPE Richie K. @AtRichiek Me: You're not my REAL Hen King! Stephen King: What the fuck 11:26 PM · 2020-08-12 · Twitter for Android

16.

Text - Red's Surreal Vehicle @surrealvehicle WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way. ME: [swallows suppository] 8:08 PM · 2019-02-19 · Twitter for Android 648 Retweets and comments 2,084 Likes

17.

Text - Taming Fred Savage @Fred Taming [ spelling bee ] judge: your word is prison me: can you use it in a sentence judge: yes 1:20 PM · 2020-08-08 · Twitter for iPhone 163 Retweets and comments 1,457 Likes

18.

Text - andrew @AndrewsNotFunny why is it hot dog buns come in 8s but I come in 4s(econds) 4:55 PM · 2020-08-12 · Twitter for Android

19.

Text - Ron Iver @ronnui_ "I can't believe we're in August 2020" Not me, I'm in 2019. I'm still kissing my friends on the lips when they make a good joke. I don't know the minutiae of legal tiger ownership. "Murder hornet" is what I call every hornet. 2:51 PM · 2020-08-10 · Twitter for Android 821 Retweets and comments 8,580 Likes

20.

Text - thomas @perfectsweeties so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha 10:37 PM · 2020-08-10 · Twitter for Android 233 Retweets and comments 2,802 Likes

21.

Text - FAT GANDALF @sofarrsogud A baby rhino should be called a tino and I will be taking no questions on this. 10:08 AM · 2020-08-04 · Twitter for iPhone

22.

Text - Lazy Perfectionist @sree2weets Before burying the past make sure it is not alive. 2:05 PM · 2020-08-05 · Twitter for Android

23.

Text - Swim Jeans |n @ShortSleeveSuit For once l'd like to get kicked INTO a bar 12:53 PM · 2017-10-12 · Twitter for iPhone 4,339 Retweets and comments 10.3K Likes

24.

Text - Mrs. Ashley @afiercemind I pronounce asterisk "ass tricks" just like everybody else. 6:02 PM · 2020-08-06 · Twitter for iPhone 97 Retweets and comments 698 Likes

25.

Text - Amish PornStarTM @AmishPornStar1 Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck. 3:25 PM · 2018-06-01 · Twitter for iPhone 1,257 Retweets and comments 2,591 Likes

26.

Text - Kristina's Thoughts @WaltThoughts · 6h Replying to @MoonPie When you go to sleep do you count sheep or moonpies? 1 29 Moon Pie MoonPie O @MoonPie · 5h When I go to sleep I count my mistakes 27 83 322 1 more reply

27.

Text - miKE LİIERALL-YO @SkippyMcGizzard It's called the internet because it traps your intelligence in a net and never gives it back. 7:15 PM · 2020-08-12 · Twitter for Android

28.

Text - Harbinger of Mundane @Ant_F3ltz Sharks eat 5-6 octopuses a year in their sleep... 12:41 PM · 2020-08-12 · Twitter for iPhone

29.

Text - ĐľMG, Becky! @thehubrispanda There are two types of people in this world, avoid both. 3:22 AM · 2020-03-29 · Twitter for iPhone 1,711 Retweets and comments 3,302 Likes

30.

Text - Steve vs. Ninjas @stevevsninjas cotton farmer: finally, some rain cotton candy farmer: *running toward his fields* oh shit oh fuck 6:24 PM · 2019-10-26 · Twitter for Android 9,594 Retweets and comments 57.3K Likes

31.

Text - keith @tchrquotes Son: Is it true that if you die in your dreams you die in real life? Me: Yes. And also if you don't die in your dreams. 1:26 AM · 2017-01-04 · Twitter for Android 1,870 Retweets and comments 6,425 Likes

32.

Text - Do not "get my ass" @InternetHippo The idea of an office is almost offensively stupid. The business place. You come here to get on the computer 12:15 PM · 2020-08-10 · Twitter for Mac 1,845 Retweets and comments 17.3K Likes

33.

Text - noodle grip @noodlegrip [cute girl slides me note] Do you like me? Yes or No [I slide note back] Are you a robot? Circle all the traffic lights 4:09 PM · 2020-08-12 · Twitter Web App 65 Retweets 256 Likes

34.

Text - noodle grip @noodlegrip Sesame Street's dark secret is that each night the Count drains homeless people like Capri Suns 2:22 PM · 2020-03-25 · Twitter Web App 573 Retweets and comments 2,329 Likes

35.

Text - Ron Iver @ronnui_ Normal people: I left my sunglasses in the car. Jeep Owners: I Jeeped my Jeepgoggles in the JeepTM 10:08 AM · 2020-08-12 · Twitter for Android 12.8K Retweets and comments 144K Likes

36.

Text - Village Person @SvnSxty Netflix: Are you still watching? Blockbuster: yes 10:42 AM · 2020-08-12 · Twitter for Android 186 Retweets and comments 898 Likes

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