Fresh Tweets Filled With Clever Humor

When we're really bored we often find ourselves scrolling Twitter for way, way, too long - thus exposing ourselves to the takes of some of the most terrible people on the internet. We wish that we could somehow enjoy the website without having to hurt our brains with negativity and political diatribes. Sometimes, though, you have to be the change you wish to see in the world. Hopefully this gallery will be a safe way for you to enjoy Twitter without the pain.

1.

Text - Jurassic Park Updates JURASSIC PARK @JurassicPark2go it turns out our dinosaurs get pretty sick after eating our more unhealthy visitors, so from now on we're only allowing in fit hotties 5:16 PM · 2020-08-19 · Twitter for iPhone 835 Retweets 42 Quote Tweets 10.2K Likes

2.

Text - soul nate @MNateShyamalan someone i just met at a party: do you watch bojack horseman? me: yes!! what about the good place? them: omg yeah! do you like *suddenly whispering* rick and morty me: *so soft only dogs can hear* it's my favorite please tell nobody 11:15 AM · 2020-09-03 · Twitter for iPhone

3.

Text - Motley TM @motleythemutt ... THE LEGEND The Rock tested positive for COVID. He can't smell what he's cooking 9:44 PM · 2020-09-02 · Twitter for iPhone 59 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets 282 Likes

4.

Text - Rob Actually @RobbyActually ... me: i need directions please stranger: you need to go north and - me: left or right stranger: it's a little more complex than that me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT 3:19 PM · 2020-08-27 · Twitter for Android 240 Retweets 12 Quote Tweets 1,896 Likes

5.

Text - first-mate prance @bocxtop ... did y'all know morse code was invented when Samuel Morse needed a way to talk to his 2nd family on the other side of the country and couldn't use letters cuz his wife read all of them. the first method of digital communication was cuz a man had hoes in different area codes LOL 11:11 AM · 2020-09-03· Twitter Web App 15 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 287 Likes

6.

Text - floptimus prime thinks you should b... @FireBeets ... for a long time i thought diarrhea was because your body got too hot and your poop melted 11:11 AM · 2020-09-03· Twitter for iPhone

7.

Text - John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp the crond 3ughs at a Jke about Turtles Guy: hey john Me: [forgot his name but don't wanna be rude and ask for it] sup bitch 1:20 PM · 2019-06-04 · Twitter for iPhone 806 Retweets 16 Quote Tweets 5,819 Likes

8.

Text - FROVO ... @fro_vo every morning i start off my day with a brisk 3-mile cry 11:23 AM · 2019-06-06 · Twitter for iPhone 132 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 297 Likes

9.

Text - Janelle @warmyellowlight warning: if you piss me off, i will walk quietly through a field of wildflowers 6:14 PM · 2016-07-13 · Mobile Web (M2) 794 Retweets 21 Quote Tweets 2,571 Likes

10.

Text - Be The Cookie @BeTheCookie When you're sad, find two equally sad friends and form a cryangle. 12:28 AM · 2019-04-19 · Twitter for iPhone 919 Retweets 41 Quote Tweets 3,451 Likes

11.

Text - I LIME CATE O Soup Cans Mancino-Williams O @Manda_like_wine I'm sorry, I could never love you the way you deserve because my heart really belongs to pushing down the buttons on soft-drink lids. 7:14 PM · 2013-03-10 · Twitter for Android 919 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 2,317 Likes

12.

Text - brent @murrman5 im no good at video games "no one is at first just give it a shot" alright *presses start and mario just sits down* 11:49 AM · 2017-04-14 · Twitter for iPhone 363 Retweets 30 Quote Tweets 2,066 Likes

13.

Text - Sophie @jil_slander Still not over the fact that when I got my prosthetic legs they were like "do you want to be taller" and I was like "ya" and then they made me 2 inches taller. You wish you were me 1:03 PM · 2020-09-01 · Twitter for iPhone 28.9K Retweets 1,487 Quote Tweets 479K Likes

14.

Text - mo @chuuew [calling exterminator] Hello, l'd like to speak to Mr Schwarzenegger 8:00 PM · 2020-09-03 · Twitter for Android

15.

Text - Viktor Winetrout @Cpin42 Your honor my client doesn't like jail 12:42 PM · 2020-09-03 · Twitter Web App 763 Retweets 33 Quote Tweets 5,795 Likes

16.

Text - Viktor Winetrout ... @Cpin42 NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP. 2:09 PM · 2013-12-17 · Twitter Web Client 9,412 Retweets 52 Quote Tweets 19.8K Likes

17.

Text - Not Sara @smithsara79 I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger 8:08 PM · 2020-01-15 · Twitter for iPhone 855 Retweets 15 Quote Tweets 6,887 Likes

18.

Text - Eileen Mary O'Connell * @i_Lean Thinking about the time that I said that I was distantly related to Marie Curie and a guy explained "It's pronounced Mariah Carey" 2:08 AM · 2020-09-01 · Twitter for iPhone 43.3K Retweets 2,396 Quote Tweets 448K Likes

19.

Text - Mohanad Elshieky @MohanadElshieky Twitter is Linkedln for people who want to lose their jobs 12:03 AM · 2020-08-31 · Twitter for iPhone 14.3K Retweets 1,044 Quote Tweets 107K Likes

20.

Text - Caitlin ... @caithuls To whoever gets him next... he's a rat but he's also a chef V 1:07 AM · 2020-07-31 · Twitter for iPhone 23.3K Retweets 905 Quote Tweets 258K Likes

21.

Text - Hi, it's Abby. Yep. @abbycohenwl ABBY VEP! •.. What if earth is just God's Tamagotchi that he forgot about? 6:46 PM · 2019-04-02 · Twitter Web Client 814 Retweets 37 Quote Tweets 3,823 Likes

22.

Text - colleen @Coll3enG i love when dudes are like "yeah i'm more of a tits/ ass guy" as if they wouldn't fuck a crunchwrap supreme 11:36 AM · 2020-07-23 · Twitter for iPhone 33.5K Retweets 1,998 Quote Tweets 321K Likes

23.

Text - wylde de beest @flashember when no one's looking worms use shovels to dig 11:41 PM · 2020-08-23 · Twitter for Android 1,213 Retweets 13 Quote Tweets 6,105 Likes

24.

Text - Mave @MavenofHonor they say humans are the most evolved species, yet it's bumblebees who nestle inside a blossom every night and awaken to a nectar breakfast 12:12 PM · 2020-09-02 · Twitter for iPhone 141 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 799 Likes

25.

Text - An English Human @English_Channel ... Fact: humans are roughly 60% water Fact: celery is 95% water In conclusion: Celery is a drowning hazard 10:22 AM · 2020-09-02· Twitter for iPhone 77 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 171 Likes

26.

Text - Leon in NJ on a Hill ... @LeonlnNewJersey My town is trying something new. Everything is becoming"Yield" signs. They pulled out all the stops. 10:49 AM · 2020-02-18 · Twitter for iPhone 254 Retweets 8 Quote Tweets 464 Likes

27.

Text - Indy * @IndecisiveJones ... when you think about it, we probably call them leaves because they don't stay on the tree 10:10 AM · 2020-09-02 · Twitter for iPhone 71 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 474 Likes

28.

Text - Brother Ben ... @SentenceReduced I need to blow my nose hand me a Wendy's napkin that's been in my glove compartment for 3 years. 5:11 PM · 2020-08-31 · Twitter for iPhone 184 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 546 Likes

29.

Text - Taming Fred Savage @FredTaming her: don't tell my dad how serious we are me: anything for you, my love [ later at dinner ] him: do you think you'll marry my daughter, son? me: what lol fuck no. hit it & quit it, my dude. up top 9:59 AM · 2020-09-01 · Twitter for iPhone 220 Retweets 5 Quote Tweets 2,201 Likes

30.

Text - brittany's name @_maybe_not_ever In what utopia are you living where you only have 99 problems? Sounds nice. 8:52 AM · 2020-09-01 · Twitter for Android

31.

Text - Default @McClaneJohn2 Theard someone say "French fries are filled with mashed potatoes" and it's really fucking with me. 9:53 PM · 2020-08-31 · Twitter for iPhone 214 Retweets 14 Quote Tweets 807 Likes

32.

Text - оMG, Becky! @thehubrispanda If I were an octopus, l'd twirl around and bitch slap you 8 times. 9:11 AM · 2020-08-29 · Twitter for iPhone 256 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 603 Likes

33.

Text - Chad Read ... @squirrel74wkgn Seems like the "how to use a fire extinguisher" video on YouTube shouldn't have a 30 second ad before it. 4:44 PM · 2018-07-17 · Twitter for iPhone 2,393 Retweets 34 Quote Tweets 7,118 Likes

34.

Text - The Volatile Mermaid VOTE @OhNoSheTwitnt Happy 56th birthday to Keanu Reeves, a man whose peak hotness is somehow always "right now". 6:30 AM · 2020-09-02· Twitter for iPhone 704 Retweets 42 Quote Tweets 9,540 Likes

35.

Text - Swim Jeans || ... @ShortSleeveSuit HER: hey buddy my eyes are up here POTATO: mine are everywhere Imao 10:21 PM · 2020-05-25 · Twitter for iPhone 89 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 222 Likes

36.

Text - Das Skoogeth @Skoog [planning bank heist] leader: we need a fall guy me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte] leader: he's perfect 12:01 PM · 2020-09-02 · Twitter Web App 247 Retweets 8 Quote Tweets 2,508 Likes

37.

Text - your other mom @difficultpatty Flight attendant: What would you like to drink? Me: Plane coffee. 1:20 PM · 2020-09-02 · Twitter for iPhone 117 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 501 Likes

38.

Text - Ð’oog @BoogTweets If i split a five hour energy drink with five bro's is it one hour of energy per bro or like do all my bro's just have 1/5 energy for five hours 4:12 PM · 2020-09-02 · Twitter for iPhone 49 Retweets 240 Likes

39.

Text - Holdin on a Hill @HoldinCoffeeld Every day I get home from work and sit before my vanity mirror; slowly wiping peach makeup off my face to reveal bone white, blue eyelids, red circles for cheeks and a long smiling crimson oval for lips. I remove my prosthetic nose, my foam red ball unfurls in the air. Tam free. 9:52 PM · 2020-08-28 · Twitter for iPhone 0...

40.

Text - Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt ... When I see initials carved into a tree with a heart think it's so romantic. Two lovers on a date...one of them carrying a knife for some reason. 10:21 AM · 2020-02-29 · Twitter for Android 456 Retweets 13 Quote Tweets 1,271 Likes

41.

Text - Wow, a shark @bigsharkguy Blowfish: u want a line? Pufferfish: nah, i'm more of a smoker 12:27 PM · 2020-09-02 · Twitter for iPhone 52 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 138 Likes

42.

Text - Sophia Cadogan @sophiacadogan Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they've just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey's Anatomy 4:57 AM · 2020-09-02 · Twitter for iPhone 114K Retweets 4,660 Quote Tweets 752K Likes

43.

Text - The Notorious B.E.V. @blade_funner [GOD INVENTING THE WEASEL] You know what we need? An otter you can't fucking trust. 10:54 PM · 2016-09-06 · Twitter Web Client 12.5K Retweets 296 Quote Tweets 24.1K Likes

44.

Text - Arianna Bradford ... @TheNYAMProject You think this Christmas 2020 is gonna get a visit from 3 ghosts to teach it a fuckin lesson? 8:47 PM · 2020-09-02 · Twitter for iPhone 51 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 199 Likes

45.

Text - floptimus prime thinks you should b... @FireBeets descartes: i think therefore i am pythagoras: fuck i am so HORNY for TRIANGLES 11:58 AM · 2020-09-02 · Twitter for iPhone 7,343 Retweets 176 Quote Tweets 65.3K Likes

46.

Text - Ella Zee ... @EllaZee5 Imagine having the confidence of the people who kept re-opening Jurassic Park like 'lol don't worry l'm sure it'll be fine this time.' 2:16 PM · 2020-09-02 · Twitter for Android 203 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 528 Likes

47.

Text - Kids_kubed D @Kids_kubed Angel: People are getting crazy again. What do we do?! God: Tiger King series is done? Angel: For a while now God: Put Carole Baskin on Dancing with the Stars and have Joe Exotic release his own line of underwear Angel: Done 12:21 PM · 2020-09-02 · Twitter for iPhone 47 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 135 Likes

48.

Text - malik @AshyMalik this girl gonna say to me "im happy we met i really like your personality" smh which one? i developed 9 just to get us here 12:21 AM · 2020-09-03 · Twitter for iPhone 119 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets 1,019 Likes

Submitted by:



from Memebase https://ift.tt/3lXUygo

Post a Comment

0 Comments