23 Amusing Tweets We Wish We'd Twote

We're back to show our respect for people on Twitter who are better at it than we are. These cunning individuals make a 280 character joke seem like a breeze. Whether they're writing about current events, or a savagely self-deprecating anecdote, these folks sure know how to spin a short internet yarn. And there's way more where these came from if you need more of this short and sweet humor.

1.

Text - tatum @50FirstTates witch: what do u need? me: a spell to make my dad proud dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable 10:10 PM · 2020-10-26 · Twitter for iPhone 266 Retweets 6 Quote Tweets 1,519 Likes

2.

Text - nate of the living dead @MNateShyamalan merriam webster: a "sport" is a competitive physical activity typically involving teams, a ball, and- the inventor of curling: and a broom merriam webster: how do you keep getting in here 5:34 PM · 2020-10-26 · Twitter for iPhone 99 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 1,216 Likes

3.

Text - MehGyver @TheAndrewNadeau ... three 10-year-olds in a trench coat: one R-rated movie ticket, please me, on the shoulders of two other 30- year-olds: and one senior discount 2:26 AM · 2020-10-26 · Twitter for iPhone 83 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 1,062 Likes

4.

Text - Kristen Arnett @Kristen_Arnett good morning to everyone but especially the woman who mistakenly tried to walk into my apartment today and then just shrugged and said "every door looks the same" 11:54 AM · 2020-10-26 · Twitter Web App 139 Retweets 27 Quote Tweets 3,954 Likes

5.

Text - Slutty President Warren G Harding @PopeAwesomeX|II First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol First night as a vampire hunter: oh no 11:38 PM · 2020-10-25 · Twitter Web App 4,013 Retweets 63 Quote Tweets 17.4K Likes

6.

Text - MehGyver @TheAndrewNadeau "I was born ready" is the dumbest thing people say to sound confident. Babies are idiots. If you are the same level of ready now as when you were born you're doing terribly. 9:24 PM · 2020-10-25 · Twitter for iPhone 93 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 729 Likes

7.

Text - Adamned Cerious ... @Browtweaten me: that looks so easy witch riding a broom: it's actually tough to get a handle on me: *confused* it's mostly handle 5:54 PM · 2020-10-25 · Twitter for Android 67 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 601 Likes

8.

Text - Jon @ArfMeasures Me: I never use essential oils Car mechanic: that's why it's on fire 3:17 PM · 2020-10-25 · Twitter for Android 558 Retweets 14 Quote Tweets 5,825 Likes

9.

Text - bvttermilkjesus @bvttermilkjesus i am: male female velma looking for: love meaning my glasses 6:33 PM · 2020-10-25 · Twitter for iPhone 1,064 Retweets 37 Quote Tweets 7,341 Likes

10.

Text - Roxi Horror @roxiqt Seven Deadly Sins being rude to animals • refusing to wear masks in stores • COconut water • parkour the eggplant emoji Florida • leaving your microphone on while you eat in a Zoom call & forcing everyone to hear the crunchy intimate details of a mediocre cobb salad 4:10 PM · 2020-10-16 · TweetDeck 437 Retweets 17 Quote Tweets 2,723 Likes

11.

Text - Dave Cactus @dave_cactus "Your finest Scotch, please." "Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape. 6:33 AM · 2016-12-28 · TweetDeck 3,412 Retweets 52 Quote Tweets 9,334 Likes

12.

Text - Sarah J ... @Trisarahjtops Every Sarah is descended from a single Trisarahtops dinosaur this is a secret Ancestry dot com doesn't want you to know I may have to delete this tweet 5:05 PM · 2019-07-13 · Twitter Web App 437 Retweets 24 Quote Tweets 1,214 Likes

13.

Text - randy @randypaint me: [hiccups] friend: have u tried- me: is this one of ur bullshit cures friend: no. hold ur breath me: ok friend: now stick ur foot in a toaster and divide by zero 11:19 AM · 2020-10-27 · Twitter for iPhone 108 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 1,667 Likes

14.

Text - randy @randypaint this week at work i circled back 58 times, touched base 74 times, and sent my warm regards 237 times. unreal week by me, MVP level performance. not gonna celebrate too long tho. already focused on next week 8:12 PM · 2020-10-09 · Twitter for iPhone 266 Retweets 14 Quote Tweets 2,645 Likes

15.

Text - Village Person @SvnSxty that dreamworks kid could have been fishing ON the moon this whole time 1:52 PM · 2020-10-27 · Twitter for Android 112 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 323 Likes

16.

Text - randy @randypaint ... "desk jobs aren't for me" wow u are very different from me, who as a child dreamed that i would one day sit at a desk and answer emails 5:11 PM · 2020-10-12 · Twitter for iPhone 19.2K Retweets 1,151 Quote Tweets 209K Likes

17.

Text - Pigeon Fancier @isabelzawtun Being a modern witch is hard. You used to be able to curse people's crops, cause famine. Now, I curse my roommate's houseplants but no matter how many die she just keeps buying new ones 10:13 AM · 2020-10-27 · Twitter for iPhone 37 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 319 Likes

18.

Text - johnny pockets @john_from_hr yo FUCK ratatouille. put a rat in my hat and he made me rob a liquor store. the cop do NOT believe me. 7:29 PM · 2020-10-14 · Twitter for iPhone 15.3K Retweets 161 Quote Tweets 202K Likes

19.

Text - Skeleton Denk @DDenkler TLDR stands for The Lord of Da Rings 7:22 PM · 2020-10-24 · Twitter for iPhone 6,946 Retweets 111 Quote Tweets 24.8K Likes

20.

Text - stuart fiddle @stuartfiddle wow it's Day already! Feels like only yesterday it was also Day 9:53 AM · 2020-04-06 · Twitter for iPhone 1,544 Retweets 6 Quote Tweets 6,803 Likes

21.

Text - WTF @Mhmm_ok_sure *checks real estate listings on other planets* 9:52 AM · 2020-10-22 · Twitter for iPhone 50 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 188 Likes

22.

Text - Patrick Monahan ... @pattymo *stepping on the moon's surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit 1:30 PM · 2020-10-26 · Twitter for iPhone 797 Retweets 11 Quote Tweets 7,258 Likes

23.

Text - Doth @DothTheDoth As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village. 11:02 AM · 2020-10-27 · Twitter Web App 854 Retweets 232 Quote Tweets 5,051 Likes

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