39 Fresh Tweets From The Joke Experts Of Twitter

It's time for another round of recent tweets from the casual comedy talents of Twitter. We're always impressed by the rate at which people can churn out the jokes everyday—it's like their brains are highly efficient machines spitting out joke after joke onto a conveyor belt being fed right into Twitter. Damn. Enjoy these pleasant zingers and may they brighten your day.

1.

Text - Mike Nicolella @MikeNicolella it's happening • mariah carey all i want for christmas + Compare Search term United States 2004 - present All categories▼ Web Search ▼ IL Interest over time e + <> < 100 75 50 25 Jan 1, 2004 Oct 1, 2012 1:47 AM · 2020-10-29 · Twitter Web App 22.5K Retweets 2,336 Quote Tweets 84.2K Likes

2.

Text - andrews not spooky @AndrewsNotFunny flight attendant: all we've got to watch is air bud me: I know how windows work pal 1:45 PM · 2020-10-29 · Twitter for Android 503 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets 4,999 Likes

3.

Vehicle door - * Father Drinks McGee @drinksmcgee To catch the lamp, you have to think like the lamp. 2:33 PM · 2020-10-28 · Twitter for Android 176 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 740 Likes

4.

Text - Adam @adamgreattweet Y'all ever think "quick, let me press save" after something good happens to you? 2:05 PM · 2020-10-28 · Twitter for iPhone 98 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 432 Likes

5.

Text - Rob N Roll @thegallowboob be there or 12:18 PM · 2020-10-20 · Twitter for iPhone 2,892 Retweets 267 Quote Tweets 25K Likes

6.

Text - bvttermilkjesus @bvttermilkjesus lil nas x when he dropped Old Town Road 8:50 PM · 2020-10-26 · Twitter for iPhone

7.

Text - Fact @Fact Pirates wore eye patches to have one eye adjusted for the top deck and the other already adjusted for the darkness when going below deck. 12:19 PM · 2020-10-29 · Buffer 50 Retweets 12 Quote Tweets 255 Likes

8.

Text - JISS @jisskhlf a girl who really loves u gon start sounding like ya mom after a while cause she only wants what's the best for you. 10:27 AM · 2020-10-29 · Twitter for Android 528 Retweets 44 Quote Tweets 1,419 Likes

9.

Text - Tiffany Vanderlust @its_me_your_mom If you're single you don't always have to be ready to mingle. Sometimes you can be single and ready to Pringle, that's fine, hon. Stay home and eat your chips. 12:14 PM · 2020-10-29 · Twitter for Android

10.

Text - Rachel @femaleredhead i'm not a fan of country but i do love how male country singers are like "i love fishing and my truck" and female country singers are like "i'm going to kill my husband" 2:38 PM · 2020-10-19 · Twitter for iPhone 420 Retweets 20 Quote Tweets 3,574 Likes

11.

Text - caitlin ... @carboncaitlin the imposter me at work in Among Us pretending to engage in tasks to avoid general suspicion 4:59 PM · 2020-09-23 · Twitter for Android 48.9K Retweets 739 Quote Tweets 202K Likes

12.

Text - m@thew @TweetPotato314 a solar eclipse and a tree is like "aw man I was eating that" 11:12 PM · 2020-10-28 · Twitter for iPhone 1,531 Retweets 23 Quote Tweets 13.8K Likes

13.

Text - linc 2.0 @newfoundlinc most people wish they had superpowers like the ability to fly or read minds but here i am just wishing i had the ability to get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep 2:25 PM · 2020-10-26 · Twitter for iPhone 56 Retweets 5 Quote Tweets 290 Likes

14.

Text - poltergregst @WeedlordKrillin Parents in Parents in 2020 B.C. 2020 A.D. These kids and their damn tablets 10:06 AM · 2020-10-10 · Twitter for iPhone 51.2K Retweets 479 Quote Tweets 424K Likes

15.

Text - Ron Iver @ronnui_ KITCHEN TIP: To quickly slice a banana, push it through the strings of an acoustic guitar, and collect the pieces from the built-in banana receptacle. 2:55 PM · 2020-10-21 · Twitter for Android 509 Retweets 20 Quote Tweets 4,474 Likes

16.

Text - thomas @perfectsweeties no i do not have "passions". i have a rotating list of things i become hyperfixated on based on the last tv show i watched. for example right now im working on becoming a grandmaster in chess despite never having played 2:37 PM · 2020-10-29 · Twitter for Android 1,388 Retweets 169 Quote Tweets 8,400 Likes

17.

Font - O HÕRRORBÈÉST @flashember Canadians are so careless with their money 5:19 PM · 2016-10-16 · Twitter for Android 10.4K Retweets 283 Quote Tweets 30.3K Likes

18.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby ... LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS (2002) out of 4 Counted at least 7 towers. This movie is bullshit 3:24 PM · 2020-10-29 · Twitter for iPhone 140 Retweets 5 Quote Tweets 1,643 Likes

19.

Text - nate of the living dead @MNateShyamalan you like blink 182? name every small thing 11:41 AM · 2020-10-29 · Twitter for iPhone 1,339 Retweets 32 Quote Tweets 8,187 Likes

20.

Text - mate :) @nateandmufasa if anything has ever made me truly believe this world is a painful place it is that bears r so cute but we cannot hug them 12:41 PM · 2020-10-28 · Twitter for iPhone 204 Retweets 6 Quote Tweets 1,690 Likes

21.

Text - Ron Iver ... @ronnui_ Kinda messed up that laughter is the best medicine bc my insurance keeps saying they won't cover it. I just watched Austin Powers and it cost me $12,000. Our system is fucked. 10:48 AM · 2020-10-23 · Twitter for Android 255 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 3,852 Likes

22.

Text - thomas @perfectsweeties we pull away after our first kiss. "how was it" i gaze into your eyes. u stare back at me. ur speechless – like u literally cannot say anything. i've successfully tied ur tongue into a knot. all that practice with cherry stems really paid off 3:44 PM · 2020-10-27 · Twitter for Android 355 Retweets 19 Quote Tweets 3,674 Likes

23.

Text - james @videojames_ her: stop talking about board games me: sorry her: shut the fuck up 10:45 AM · 2020-10-21 · Twitter for iPhone 243 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 1,828 Likes

24.

Text - thomas @perfectsweeties [first date with optimus prime] me: so tell me about urself optimus prime: well im a pretty big car guy 1:58 PM · 2020-10-20 · Twitter for Android 778 Retweets 8 Quote Tweets 6,734 Likes

25.

Nature - Danya @dxxnya they look like this dasani water sucks @helloit... · 2020-10-14 how do u know if mushrooms are bad 10:16 PM · 2020-10-14 · Twitter for iPhone 462 Retweets 11 Quote Tweets 4,135 Likes

26.

Text - nate of the living dead @MNateShyamalan wolf: little pig, let me in pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place 5:19 PM · 2020-10-28 · Twitter for iPhone 181 Retweets 5 Quote Tweets 1,914 Likes

27.

Text - Ben Yahr •.. @benyahr Me: Watches a show called Unsolved Mysteries. Narrator: The case was...never solved. Me: FX 9:18 PM · 2020-07-16 · Twitter for iPhone 80.9K Retweets 3,753 Quote Tweets 402K Likes

28.

Text - @jaredisnumb Weed is cool but have you ever had someone care about you?? Me neither, pass the blunt. 1:47 PM · 2020-10-28 · Twitter for iPhone 1,762 Retweets 133 Quote Tweets 4,969 Likes

29.

Text - FROVO @fro_vo ME: hey can i borrow a broom NEIGHBOR: sure which one ME: no just a regular one 3:18 PM · 2020-10-25 · Twitter for iPhone 126 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 911 Likes

30.

Text - Rosemary's Abby @abbycohenwl Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet? Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more 3:31 PM · 2015-10-11 · Twitter Web Client 8,420 Retweets 60 Quote Tweets 15.7K Likes

31.

Text - FROVO ... @fro_vo of course the moon has water where do you think rain comes from idiot 11:33 PM · 2020-10-26 · Twitter for iPhone 115 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 643 Likes

32.

Text - FROVO ... @fro_vo vertical horizonta_ no further questions Translate Tweet 11:20 AM · 2020-10-28 · Twitter for iPhone 52 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 292 Likes

33.

Text - eli the pumpkin pie @jazz_inmypants if british people love tea so much then why is it silent in the word british 11:43 PM · 2020-10-27 · Twitter for iPhone 485 Retweets 23 Quote Tweets 6,344 Likes

34.

Text - tatum @50FirstTates me: *stabs vampire* wife: omg me: *beats zombie to death* wife: OMG me: what wife: ur supposed to give them candy 11:21 AM · 2020-10-28 · Twitter Web App 512 Retweets 31 Quote Tweets 2,473 Likes

35.

Text - MehGyver @TheAndrewNadeau Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND skeleton. 11:10 AM · 2020-09-22 · Twitter for iPhone 5,030 Retweets 190 Quote Tweets 49.8K Likes

36.

Text - sk-elle-ton @ellewasamistake fuck lion, kill witch, marry wardrobe 8:08 AM · 2020-10-28 · Twitter Web App 262 Retweets 8 Quote Tweets 2,084 Likes

37.

Text - eli the pumpkin pie @jazz_inmypants ... fuck Bed, marry Bath, kill Beyond sk-elle-ton @ellewasamistake · 1d fuck lion, kill witch, marry wardrobe Show this thread 9:55 PM · 2020-10-28 · Twitter for iPhone 100 Retweets 61 Quote Tweets 2,115 Likes

38.

Text - FROVO @fro_vo [alphabet naming committee] okay what comes after O and P let's just do O and P again but give em dicks 1:37 AM · 2015-03-07 · Twitter for iPhone 11.1K Retweets 130 Quote Tweets 22.5K Likes

39.

Text - Adamned Cerious @Browtweaten me: can you briefly explain the basics of gambling? dealer: you bet 7:55 PM · 2020-10-28 · Twitter for Android 137 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 641 Likes

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