23 Fresh Tweets For People Who Don't Want To Look At Twitter

It's no secret that Twitter has a lot to offer in the humor department. Comedy writers and aspiring humorists manage to craft short and sweet tweets packed with cleverness and send them out for the world to enjoy. The only problem is that there's a whole lot of unpleasantry on the site as well. Political arguments, bad takes, and relentless trolls are ever-present. To save you from all that agony, we've collected some fresh and funny tidbits from Twitter and put them in a relatively safe space for some peaceful scrolling. And if you need more tweets? We've got you covered. 

1.

Text - Just Some Guy | Black Lives Matter @Home_Halfway You telling me everything made this bagel? 12:12 AM · 2020-11-16 · Twitter for Android 73 Retweets 765 Likes

2.

Text - Ghostface Kryllah ... @Kryzazy Ijust caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she's a weirdo or she's punishing herself for swearing again. 1:22 PM · 2020-11-15 · Twitter for iPhone 120 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 343 Likes

3.

Text - Not the Nanny ... @not_thenanny My 4YO said, "did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?" and I don't know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat. 10:33 PM · 2020-11-15 · Twitter for iPhone 58 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets 495 Likes

4.

Text - tatum @50FirstTates guys remember that even if the vaccine is 95% effective there is a margin of error of about 10% +/-. that means that it could actually be 105% effective and give u superpowers such as invisibility or super speed 12:02 PM · 2020-11-16 · Twitter Web App 403 Retweets 32 Quote Tweets 3,345 Likes

5.

Text - * How YOU Doin * @jollyrobber Gray is just silver without the makeup or hair did 1:20 PM · 2020-10-12 · Twitter for Android

6.

Cartoon - cam @climaxximus would jesus be arrested like this? or this? 9:12 PM · 2020-11-16 · Twitter for Android 434 Retweets 59 Quote Tweets 3,352 Likes

7.

Text - Fermat's Library @fermatslibrary Fun Fact: No number from 1 to 999 contains the letter A in its english spelling 1000 10:02 AM · 2020-09-12 · Buffer 1,239 Retweets 133 Quote Tweets 6,847 Likes

8.

Text - Anna Fitzpatrick O @bananafitz my fave collective lie that everyone has agreed to is when the box of q- tips says "do not use inside ear canal and we the consumer are like "we won't G e 2:32 PM · 2020-11-15 · Twitter Web App 1,205 Retweets 65 Quote Tweets 19.3K Likes

9.

Text - Alyssa Limperis O @alyssalimp Baby carrot inventor: ok so the idea is we make tiny little carrots Investor: eh.. Baby carrot inventor: BUT we make sure they are always soaking wet Investor: you've got yourself a deal 3:09 AM · 2020-11-16 · Twitter for iPhone 958 Retweets 26 Quote Tweets 18.9K Likes

10.

Text - lan Dukes Injustice Rejecter @ianpauldukes folks the holidays are coming up fast don't forget black friday is the last day to catch covid if you want to be dead by christmas 1:39 PM · 2020-11-16 · Twitter Web App 1,478 Retweets 54 Quote Tweets 13.1K Likes

11.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby "It's no use crying over spilled milk" buddy l'll cry any time for any reason 11:45 AM · 2020-11-16 · Twitter for iPhone 15K Retweets 491 Quote Tweets 85.5K Likes

12.

Text - @HereComesCunty When you have a day off, the night before the day off is the real day off 2:17 PM · 2020-11-15 · Twitter for iPhone 53 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 193 Likes

13.

Text - slate @PleaseBeGneiss it was dumb of them to make all the jurassic park dinosaurs female. they should've made them boys. no "clever girls" just absolute idiots 1:54 PM · 2020-11-15 · Twitter for iPhone 77 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets 737 Likes

14.

Text - Jeff is Tall @JeffisTallguy Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m's you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it's just a thicc m&m and that's the m&m i'd like to be if I were an m&m 1:09 PM · 2020-11-15 · Twitter for iPhone 124 Retweets 8 Quote Tweets 1,163 Likes

15.

Text - m@thew @TweetPotato314 me: wanna see me make a snow angel frosty: *backing up* just put the hairdryer down 12:24 PM · 2020-11-15 · Twitter for iPhone 396 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 3,971 Likes

16.

Product - jon drake @DrakeGatsby The Soapranos 4788 "TALIAN USAGE Softsoap 99 MEYER'S CLEAN DAY HAND SOAP OLVE OL& AL 5:13 PM · 2020-11-14 · Twitter for iPhone 211 Retweets 7 Quote Tweets 2,358 Likes PRÉ de PRO Dial

17.

Text - hype172450629038 @TheHyyyуре getting honked at: are u kidding me honking at someone: are u kidding me 2:40 PM · 2020-11-14 · Twitter for Android 11.5K Retweets 265 Quote Tweets 166K Likes

18.

Text - SMadimoiselle @drivingmemadi new Starbucks deal, if you go without a mask you'll get a free venti later 2:21 PM · 2020-11-14 · Twitter for iPhone 11.5K Retweets 804 Quote Tweets 137K Likes

19.

Text - lan Dukes Injustice Rejecter @ianpauldukes 2020 spider by election my bed it should not have been this close 3:08 PM · 2020-11-04 · Twitter Web App 347 Retweets 5 Quote Tweets 3,137 Likes

20.

Text - abs @tropicanapussy states trying to stop the spread of the coronavirus by making restaurants close at 10pm 1:41 AM · 2020-11-13 · Twitter for iPhone 40.8K Retweets 1,872 Quote Tweets 38OK Likes

21.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby Duct taping my PS3 and PS2 together, sometimes you gotta improvise 8:33 PM · 2020-11-12 · Twitter for iPhone 598 Retweets 29 Quote Tweets 6,898 Likes

22.

Text - soul nate @MNateShyamalan me: you know what they say about big feet girl at the bar: *sighs* big sh- me: *pulls out grainy photo of the woods behind my house* they fucking exist 3:01 PM · 2020-11-12 · Twitter for iPhone 1,630 Retweets 30 Quote Tweets 11.8K Likes

23.

Text - a bigger boat @drankturpentine •.. bank robber: fine one question me: who would you say is your favorite hostage 3:51 PM · 2020-11-13 · Twitter Web App 2,594 Retweets 69 Quote Tweets 25.7K Likes

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