Stay Safe Today With This Black Friday Emergency Survival Guide

Tilesh Bo November 27, 2020

Black Friday has never been known to be a civilized event. It seems every year we hear of stampedes, physical violence and general mayhem - all because people want to take advantage of some insane deals. Now, thanks to this handy guide from College Humor, you have more of a chance to make it out of the mall alive. 

1.

Cartoon - EMERGENCY: A STAMPEDE OF SHOPPERS HAVE BROKEN THROUGH THE METAL ENTRANCE GATE AND TRAMPLED AN ELDERLY MAN STEP 1: CHECK MAN'S PULSE STEP 2: MOP BLO0D WHILE ASKING YOURSELF SURROUNDING LIFELESS WHAT'S WRONG BODY WITH SOCIETY STEP 3: HOIST BODY ATOP DISCOUNTED BIG SCREEN TVS IN SCARECROW FASHION TO DISCOURAGE SHOPPERS FROM FURTHER VIOLENCE CollegeHumon

2.

Child - EMERGENCY: AN ANGRY PREGNANT WOMAN CLUTCHING A DISCOUNTED WAFFLE IRON HAS GONE INTO LABOR STEP 2: HOLD THE WOMAN'S HAND STEP 1: TELL YOURSELF AS YOU WALK HER THROUGH THE YOU DIDN'T SIGN UP BIRTH FOR THIS SHIT STEP 4:GET VERBALLY ABUSED BY STEP 3: DELIVER A NEW LIFE INTO THE NEW MOTHER FOR NOT NOTICING THIS CRAZY, WRETCHED WORLD. THAT SOMEONE JUST STOLE THE WAFFLE IRON CollegeHumor

3.

Cartoon - EMERGENCY: THE STORE IS COMPLETELY OUT OF BEATS BY DRE HEADPHONES STEP 2: FEND OFF ATTACKING MOB STEP 1: ATTEMPT TO CALM CROWD USING ANY ITEM WITHIN REACH BY SHOWING THEM A SIMILAR ITEM STEP 4: FAIL TO GET OUT OF WAY STEP 3:TRY TO EVADE THE SOCK FULL OF QUARTERS CURRENTLY BEING THROWN AT YOU CollegeHumon

4.

Parallel - EMERGENCY: YOU'VE JUST BEEN STABBED IN THE THIGH BY A TODDLER STEP 1: SAY "FUCK IT." VIOLENCE SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY ANSWER PEOPLE UNDERSTAND CollegeHumon

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