48 Fresh & Funny Tweets From The Best Of Twitter

Twitter is like a consistently productive and super reliable joke factory. A lot of the time it churns out some real crap that we all try to avoid, but generally you can find some hilarious jokes, hot takes, and amusing shower thoughts at any point while scrolling the bird app. There are over 300 million people on Twitter, so the constant flow of content is pretty daunting, but that's why we curate some of the funniest and freshest tweets for your scrolling pleasure

1.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby Dear Santa, You didn't get me the thesaurus I asked for and now I'm mad. You made me really mad. I'm mad at you. 1:12 PM · 2020-12-26 · Twitter for iPhone 2,404 Retweets 48 Quote Tweets 34.2K Likes

2.

Text - keith @tchrquotes Son: Is it true that if you die in your dreams you die in real life? Me: Yes. And also if you don't die in your dreams. 1:26 AM · 2017-01-04 · Twitter for Android 1,829 Retweets 20 Quote Tweets 6,332 Likes

3.

Human - bec the halls @thereal_becca three wise men? i'll believe it when i see it 8:16 PM · 2020-12-19 · Twitter for iPhone 17.5K Retweets 380 Quote Tweets 128K Likes

4.

Text - sunflower @spinubzilla when someone honks at me while I'm driving it's like ok I think if you got to know me you'd find I'm actually a decent person 3:41 PM · 2020-12-23 · Twitter for iPhone 58 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 727 Likes

5.

Text - ben stager @bennnnst my plan is to get one shot of pfizer and one shot of moderna aka the arnold palmer 5:08 PM · 2020-12-23 · Twitter for iPhone 10.7K Retweets 261 Quote Tweets 138K Likes

6.

Text - Born Miserable ... @bornmiserable [me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious 10:10 PM · 2019-06-20 · Twitter for iPhone 946 Retweets 11 Quote Tweets 2,814 Likes

7.

Text - Owl! at the Library @SketchesbyBoze I wasn't "annoying" in my teens, I was sketching a first draft of myself. what you saw was a limited edition, a collector's item. get it while it's hot. 4:09 PM · 2020-12-25 · Twitter Web App 265 Retweets 9 Quote Tweets 2,448 Likes

8.

Text - RubMor @QBruby 1920: Alcohol is prohibited 2020: Liquor stores are an essential business during a national health crisis 11:48 PM · 2020-03-27 · Twitter for Android 95.6K Retweets 4,041 Quote Tweets 571K Likes

9.

Text - YS @NYinLA2121 For $600 a year or only $1.64 a day, you too can sponsor an American. 9:55 PM · 2020-12-25 · Twitter for iPhone 24.1K Retweets 882 Quote Tweets 144K Likes

10.

Text - du'ā bint lipa @afroelven thinking about how 2020 gave us more taylor swift studio albums than government stimulus checks 9:35 AM · 2020-12-10 · Twitter for Android 28.4K Retweets 1,083 Quote Tweets 236K Likes

11.

Text - Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles | (12m) saw Mommy (42f) kissing Santa Claus (1750m) 12:06 AM · 2020-12-25 · Twitter Web App 14K Retweets 225 Quote Tweets 205K Likes

12.

Text - God @TheTweetOfGod I make no promises about 2021 except that it will suck differently. 5:02 PM · 2020-12-26 · TweetDeck 2,389 Retweets 237 Quote Tweets 23.7K Likes

13.

Text - silent nate, holy nate @MNateShyamalan born too late to explore earth. born too early to explore the stars. born just in time to order shawarma and lie awake with my dread. 1:16 AM · 2020-12-23 · Twitter for iPhone 529 Retweets 14 Quote Tweets 5,538 Likes

14.

Nature - nana @redhotmullet holy cow 2:03 AM · 2020-12-25 · Twitter for iPhone 57.9K Retweets 3,205 Quote Tweets 416K Likes

15.

Text - murdeezy @spicycasserole if casual hook up no in love with me... why forehead kiss?????? 1:54 PM · 2020-12-04 · Twitter for iPhone 16.1K Retweets 3,568 Quote Tweets 257K Likes

16.

Hat - A Jeff Computers @JeffMyspace How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors? 9:00 PM · 2020-03-08 · Twitter for iPhone 233 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 1,099 Likes

17.

Text - the green jennanem @fatlegOlas birds signing off on their emails like "worm regards" 9:15 PM · 2020-12-22 · Twitter for iPhone 3,587 Retweets 86 Quote Tweets 50.7K Likes

18.

Text - Justin Bieber @justinbieber Why is rhode island nor a road or an island 5:49 PM · 2009-12-04 · Twitter Web Client 58.1K Retweets 1,839 Quote Tweets 76.5K Likes

19.

Text - Jessie @mommajessiec The key to picking out a TV show with your spouse is to scroll through Netflix until they have fallen asleep and select the show you want to watch. 1:09 PM · 2020-12-22 · Twitter for iPhone 171 Retweets 20 Quote Tweets 1,216 Likes

20.

Text - Kenny Keil @kennykeil ... How is Peter Parker selling pictures of himself dressed as Spider-Man any different from onlyfans 4:40 PM · 2020-12-24 · Twitter for iPhone 28.7K Retweets 1,019 Quote Tweets 176K Likes

21.

Human - Jeremy Slevin @jeremyslevin How am I just now learning about this guy Evander Berry Wall, a New York socialite, was dubbed "King of the Dudes". He is pictured (1888) in the New York American newspaper at the time of the "battle of the Dudes". [3][4] 8:18 PM · 2020-12-18 · Twitter Web App 9,028 Retweets 889 Quote Tweets 87.4K Likes

22.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby Trying to remember how to exercise. I took a bite out of a dumbbell. That's not quite right but l'm close. I can feel it. 1:13 PM · 2020-12-21 · Twitter for iPhone 126 Retweets 7 Quote Tweets 1,314 Likes

23.

Text - Sam Reece ... @SamanthaaaReece Hmm yes l'm fully aware that the gynecologist is about to look inside my body but l'll continue hiding my bra and underwear under my folded jeans thank you 6:14 PM · 2020-12-26 · Twitter for iPhone 16.3K Retweets 2,263 Quote Tweets 263K Likes

24.

Text - Eternal Samnation @portmanteauface If red meat has so much iron in it why don't cows rust? And another thing 12:09 PM · 2020-11-19 · Twitter for iPhone 583 Retweets 15 Quote Tweets 2,553 Likes

25.

Text - candy boys c c candy boys @lgbtop i give everyone permission to milk my death for personal benefits if i die. idc if we're just acquaintances, if we ever talked and i suddenly drop dead one day i want you to tell your boss you just lost a friend and take the day off. my treat 11:45 PM · 2020-12-23 · Twitter for iPhone 70.6K Retweets 1,944 Quote Tweets 346K Likes

26.

Text - maura quint @behindyourback have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn 12:58 AM · 2019-08-13 · Twitter Web App 4,203 Retweets 137 Quote Tweets 21.5K Likes

27.

Text - Rome O @Rxme_116 My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We've been awake since Friday 8:23 PM · 2020-12-21 · Twitter for iPhone 83.7K Retweets 15.9K Quote Tweets 767K Likes

28.

Human - Kandy Kane @KWalps ... Poseidon Pofronton Translate Tweet 3:33 PM · 2020-12-10 · Twitter for Android 1,761 Retweets 142 Quote Tweets 14.8K Likes

29.

Text - f*male b*tch ... @Ahhmandah it was 1997 i was outside McDonald's on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked "speak English" at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes "O0000 i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME l'm ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST" i miss him every single day 5:06 PM · 2019-06-04 · Twitter for Android 111K Retweets 1,766 Quote Tweets 622K Likes

30.

Text - your new old fashioned dad @drankturpentine the mcrib is made of grimace meat, it's only available every once in a while because that's how long it takes to grow a grimace 7:56 PM · 2020-12-23 · Twitter for iPhone 390 Retweets 14 Quote Tweets 2,293 Likes

31.

Text - boingloin hitter @ThatAdamKid Die Hard is a sandwich. Hot dogs are Christmas movies. Meaning is dissolving and language is inadequate to vocalize our pain. A burrito is a ravioli. 5:09 PM · 2018-12-24 · Twitter for Android 9,280 Retweets 342 Quote Tweets 55.9K Likes

32.

Text - Thynebear @Thynebear [Jesus at the bar] "Oh, I'll just have a water" *winks at camera* 2:52 PM · 2013-10-19 · Twitter for iPhone 17.8K Retweets 17 Quote Tweets 23.9K Likes

33.

Text - Blair Socci @blairsocci I want to get married but I dont want to be made to watch any youtube videos on a man's phone and it seems to be an either/or situation 1:46 PM · 2020-12-26 · Twitter Web App 824 Retweets 158 Quote Tweets 21.7K Likes

34.

Finger - anja @internetanja ... just found out they wouldn't let rudolph join in any reindeer games 8:45 PM · 2020-12-12 · Twitter for iPhone 22K Retweets 431 Quote Tweets 245K Likes

35.

Text - kyle carrero lopez @kylecarrerolo another gorgeous day of being someone who has not and will not watch hamilton 12:25 PM · 2020-12-27 · Twitter for iPhone 12.5K Retweets 832 Quote Tweets 83.6K Likes

36.

Text - Christmas Alan @alan_maguire The vaccine will be rollin' out as follows 1 Ladies 2 Fellas 3 People who don't give a fuck 4 Lovers 5 Haters 6 People that call themselves players 7 Hot mommas 8 Pimp daddies 9 People rolling up in Cadies 10 Rockers 11 Hip hoppers 12 Everybody all around the world 9:04 AM · 2020-12-08 · Twitter for iPhone 4,485 Retweets 700 Quote Tweets 17.1K Likes

37.

Text - Thuba @2ba123 There is no bigger day for microwaves than the 26th day of December. This is their Olympics. 5:20 AM · 2020-12-26 · Twitter for Android 13.5K Retweets 959 Quote Tweets 96.8K Likes

38.

Text - joe heenan @joeheenan Get your Mandalorian name by adding the last supermarket you were in with the first thing you did this morning. I'm Aldi Crywank 11:32 AM · 2020-12-19 · Twitter for Android 303 Retweets 198 Quote Tweets 3,769 Likes

39.

Text - Shayne Topp O @supershayne I'm 0-28 but this year I will defeat santa 11:40 PM · 2020-12-24 · Twitter for iPhone 483 Retweets 10 Quote Tweets 15.1K Likes

40.

Text - Casual Thursday @CasualThursday Ten years from now you'll put on a jacket and find a mask in the pocket. "Oh man, what a weird year that was," you'll chuckle to yourself. Then you'll pick up your machete and continue across the wasteland, keeping to the shadows to avoid the roving gangs of cannibal raiders. 3:45 PM · 2020-12-22 · Twitter for iPhone 12K Retweets 626 Quote Tweets 44.9K Likes

41.

Text - Laura LeeLun @laleelun Why has no one written a "Christmas" rom-com about a lonely Jewish widow and the Chinese restaurant owner who serves her every year but is too shy to reveal his feelings? 11:46 AM · 2020-12-24 · Twitter for Android 12.7K Retweets 1,528 Quote Tweets 19OK Likes

42.

Text - justin @farringtOn "it doesnt feel like christmas" bro when was the last time you felt anything 1:37 PM · 2020-12-24 · Twitter Web App 67.7K Retweets 4,975 Quote Tweets 382K Likes

43.

Text - vaughn = @nottoxiclol girls w glasses r so fine bruh. come here baby girl no over HERE 10:47 PM · 2020-12-26 · Twitter for iPhone 15.8K Retweets 3,473 Quote Tweets 140K Likes

44.

Text - cleb @clebdotcom the beach boys got one thing right it sure would be fucking nice 2:38 PM · 2020-12-11 · Twitter for Android 32.6K Retweets 304 Quote Tweets 229K Likes

45.

Text - silent nate, holy nate @MNateShyamalan tears stream down brutus' face as he realizes what he's done. the rodent tugs his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend's back. their eyes meet. caesar whispers his final words: "rat tu, touille?" 5:19 PM · 2020-12-27 · Twitter for iPhone 240 Retweets 10 Quote Tweets 1,506 Likes

46.

Text - slate @PleaseBeGneiss geoff: i'm a geologist jeff: i'm a jelogist 6:47 PM · 2020-12-26 · Twitter for iPhone 75 Retweets 543 Likes

47.

Text - Helen Rosner @hels Was just describing frosting to someone who somehow doesn't really know what frosting is and I described it as "functionally kind of like sweet mayonnaise" and I'm just so so sorry 8:26 PM · 2020-12-26 · Twitter for iPhone 155 Retweets 53 Quote Tweets 4,530 Likes

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