30 Funny Tweets Filled With Humor And Truth

Want to experience the satisfaction of short and sweet funny tweets without having to enter the absolute hellhole that is Twitter? Well, you're in luck. These relatable tweets and accurate takes come without the political BS that is so prevalent on the website where they were posted. As the country gears up for more pain, we'll take any break we're offered. We hope that holds true for you, too. 

1.

Text - Pinky's Brains @mack44_d The human brain is an amazing machine... .it functions 24/7 from the moment ... you're born until the moment you buy a smart phone. 2:47 PM · 2020-09-27 · Twitter for iPhone 214 Retweets 11 Quote Tweets 484 Likes

2.

Text - CJ @BrassBallsCJ Eats an entire chicken breast like string cheese. 10:36 AM · 2020-09-24 · Twitter for iPhone 64 Retweets 189 Likes

3.

Text - sydney battle @SydneyBattle would absolutely love to be accused of getting by on my looks 12:51 PM · 2020-10-12 · Twitter for iPhone 56 Retweets 732 Likes

4.

Text - Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969 my wife is always looking out for me you forgot your watch on the nightstand no l'm wearing it ok nvm ? how's work goin? 10:04 AM · 10/11/20 · Twitter for iPhone

5.

Text - Randall Otis @RandallOtisTV How it started: How it's going: I'm gonna write a novel during Thave forgotten how quarantine to read 5:18 PM · 2020-10-13 · Twitter for iPhone 6,532 Retweets 193 Quote Tweets 64.2K Likes

6.

Text - magsa_saka @ai_saka22 leftist this leftist that when was the last time you leftist house 10:14 AM · 2020-10-13 · Twitter for iPhone 6,473 Retweets 138 Quote Tweets 59.9K Likes

7.

Text - Aurora @divinenocturnal The way Gomez is absolutely undeniably obsessed and has an eternal loyalty to Morticia is the most beautiful thing ever 10:09 PM · 10/9/20 · Twitter for iPhone

8.

Text - Brendan O'Hare @brendohare There is something very charming about the Devil having a favorite number 12:08 PM · 2020-09-21 · Twitter Web App 124 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 2,336 Likes

9.

Text - Grave Rob N Roll @thegallowboob proof that math is sexy 184 12. INTRODUCTION TO PHASE TRANSITIONS T<T T<T T=T; T=T, T>T; T>T 1st order 2nd order FIGURE 12.6: The scenario for a first and for a second order transition. 7:59 PM · 10/11/20 · Twitter for iPhone

10.

Text - Saddington Bo0 @2Saddington can't stop thinking about this dump truck ass I saw on the panda cam PANDA MEMORIES Archival Footage 11:36 AM · 2020-10-14 · Twitter for iPhone 18 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 237 Likes

11.

Text - SM @shxbzzzz kinda rude when i spend money and it leaves my bank account but okay 1:02 PM · 2020-10-14 · Twitter for iPhone 202 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 396 Likes

12.

Text - Village Person @SvnSxty *hypnotists breaking up* in FOUR fucking years Greg, not ONCE have you made me sleepy 11:03 AM · 2020-10-14 · Twitter for Android 74 Retweets 167 Likes

13.

Text - m@thew @TweetPotato314 goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical 10:48 PM · 2020-10-13 · Twitter for iPhone 984 Retweets 37 Quote Tweets 12.8K Likes

14.

Text - Trey @treydayway Y'all demand more from retail workers than politicians or the police 7:31 PM · 2020-09-10 · Twitter for Android 35K Retweets 629 Quote Tweets 128K Likes

15.

Text - @symplygracie THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING HAPPY AND BEING DISTRACTED FROM SADNESS 1:06 PM · 2020-10-14 · Twitter Web App 313 Retweets 8 Quote Tweets 565 Likes

16.

Text - james @videojames_ do birds ever fly just for fun or are they always on some kind of mission 11:53 AM · 2020-10-14 · Twitter for iPhone 159 Retweets 5 Quote Tweets 1,116 Likes

17.

Photo caption - Adam Karpiak @Adam_Karpiak when you upload your resume and then it asks you to enter your info FOX BIG NOON SATURDAY 45 53 OKLAHOMA FINAL/4TH OT 22 TEXAS 2-2 2-2 6:52 PM · 10/11/20 · Twitter Web App

18.

Text - Jessie Hewitt @jessie_hewitt A student realized my husband and I were a couple after recognizing the same cats zoom bomb both our classes. I find this simultaneously adorable and a bit dystopian. 8:57 PM · 2020-10-12 · Twitter for iPhone 5,864 Retweets 254 Quote Tweets 107K Likes

19.

Text - Alicia 13 Demon Goddess of Lust @Flailmorpho_ Aliens invade: "EARTHLINGS, WE HAVE KILLED YOUR LEADERS, DESTROYED YOUR ECONOMY, AND ARE HERE TO TAKE OVER YOUR GOVERNMENT" Humans: "oh thank fucking god" Aliens: "wait what?" 12:25 AM · 2020-10-09 · Twitter Web App 10.4K Retweets 199 Quote Tweets 43.1K Likes

20.

Text - Arianna Bradford @TheNYAMProject I've started reading my children Roald Dahl's Matilda, and there's nothing like sharing one of the most pivotal stories of your formative years as your kids screech about how boring it is. 8:43 AM · 10/11/20 · Twitter for iPhone

21.

Text - steph @eff_yeah_steph Me: *makes a left at the light* My groceries in back: 5:41 PM · 2020-10-14 · Twitter for iPhone 24 Retweets 151 Likes

22.

Text - tom @pilau me: I came here to kick ass and take names [cracks knuckles] and l'm done taking names student: [nervously] w-we usually do algebra now sir 4:35 PM · 2020-10-14 · Twitter for iPhone 111 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 847 Likes

23.

Cat - Grave Rob N Roll @thegallowboob it hates the windy beach 6:38 AM · 2020-10-14 · Twitter for iPhone 6,669 Retweets 340 Quote Tweets 45.6K Likes

24.

Text - slate @PleaseBeGneiss how it started how it's going 3:18 PM · 2020-10-14 · Twitter for iPhone 385 Retweets 12 Quote Tweets 2,545 Likes

25.

Text - MummyCocktail @MommyCocktail I don't understand why people are calling October "spooky season." Like the rest of the year hasn't been creepy AF? 8:50 AM · 10/11/20 · Twitter for iPhone

26.

Text - tom @pilau сор: cop: do you know why I pulled you over? me: I'm not psychic, Craig cop: my name is Greg me: I work at Starbucks 9:58 AM · 2020-10-14 · Twitter Web App 97 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 1,172 Likes

27.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby Friend: So what have you been doing lately? Me: Crying Friend: No I mean like for fun Me: Oh. Crying while baking bread 1:33 PM · 2020-10-14 · Twitter for iPhone 602 Retweets 18 Quote Tweets 4,670 Likes

28.

Text - Spooky Skoog @Skoog dudes is busy hating the new iphone when he should be hating the police. bro you're saying fuck the wrong 12 9:10 PM · 2020-10-13 · Twitter for iPhone 269 Retweets 6 Quote Tweets 2,281 Likes

29.

Text - Abbie @AbbieEvansXO [bee date] Boy bee: you look nice Girl bee: thanks you too Boy bee: your knees in particular are just outstanding 4:04 PM · 2018-08-28 · Twitter Web Client 6,468 Retweets 124 Quote Tweets 32.3K Likes

30.

Text - Untaming Undead Savage & @FredTaming emergency hotdog that heats up when you crack it like a glow stick 10:55 AM · 2019-12-14 · Twitter for iPhone 25.2K Retweets 753 Quote Tweets 136K Likes

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