Couples Counselors Reveal What Toxic Relationships Look Like

Every romantic relationship is put to the test when conflict inevitably arises. There's nothing inherently wrong with conflict—but the relationship can quickly fall apart if healthy communication, trust, and boundaries are lacking. One redditor asked couples counselors to share their experiences with toxic relationships that were beyond help. We've collected some of the most interesting responses from both therapists and former patients who talk about all the common red flags that point to a relationship's failure. 

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Yellow - r/AskReddit u/Gnerdy · 2d 1 27 の 56 O 29 S 27 E 28 1 NSFW Couples therapists, without breaking confidentiality, what are some relationships that instantly set off red flags, and do you try and get them to work out? 69.1k 6.9k 1 Share

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Text - ChickenSoup4theRoll · 2d 3 3 Awards One partner says they're seeking your services to help them determine if they want to stay together; the other partner says they're seeking your services to make it so they stay together. Then it's about highlighting the points and allowing the person who is on the fence decide what they want, since the other person knows. Edit: I am sorry to be reading about how many people experienced being the person who wanted to stay together when their partner was

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Text - lightspeeed · 2d S8 Awards I saw a couple that was doing "retaliatory" cheating (and telling each other about it). When they got through their anger, they decided to call a truce and made peace. With their level of emotional maturity, I doubt it lasted. I don't know if I helped them or prolonged their suffering. It was their decision to come to counseling, so I think it was the help they wanted. Other clients realize what they really want is "divorce counselling". What's the best way to b

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Text - Hyujikol • 2d O 3 Awards People who approach therapy with the idea that they must convince the therapist that they're right and their partner is wrong. Almost like they're complaining to a parent or boss to have them sort out the problems. Reply 23.2k International_Fan448 · 2d 1 Award Yes, my patient wanted me to pick a side, and complained about the partner EVERY SINGLE TIME. When I pointed that out, that person just said, "You dont understand". 6.9k

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Text - pconwell · 2d I'm not a therapist, but my therapist straight face told me that "there are worse options than divorce". Got divorced and it was the best thing that happened to me. Reply 3.2k

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Text - threerottenbranches • 2d 3 1 Award Contempt. When I experience true contempt from one in the relationship I know it is usually over. Look towards a peaceful ending at that point if possible. Reply 23.7k belovetoday · 2d 1 Award Ah, contempt one of Dr. John Gottman's 4 horsemen predictors of divorce. Along with: Criticism, Stonewalling and Defensiveness 4.9k ...

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Text - PizzaQuest420 · 2d why do people stay in relationships when they feel contempt?? 776 FallenKnightGX • 2d 2 Awards Lack of communication. When a partner tells you a problem, even a small one, listen. "Small problems" that aren't addressed break down communication (no longer trust you to listen or act on it) which breeds contempt. In an abusive relationship small problems are tests of your boundaries that lead to the abuse all while having you believe you're trapped. 1.7k ...

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Text - crode080 • 2d 41 Awards 1. Couples in a tit for tat arrangement. For example: I cheated so you can have one night to cheat with whomever. Or I violated your trust and did drugs, you can go out and do whatever for one night. It erodes trust and compounds the hurt. 2. An affair that won't end. I've never seen a relationship bounce back where a partner is still in contact with their gf/bf (I don't mean an ex gf/bf, I mean the person x is having the affair with), or is lying about it. 3. Cont

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Text - TiredMold • 2d 7 Awards Relationship therapist here. One of the biggest red flags I see when working with a new couple is when they've totally forgotten the good. Part of relationship therapy is reconnecting a couple with what they like about each other, what initially attracted them to each other, and what the positives are between them. When people come in and they've been so unhappy for so long that they actually can't remember what it was like to be in love, or to even like each other

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Text - ocelot_piss · 2d 2 Awards It's very easy to work out when one person knowingly prioritises their own wants and needs over their partners. Relationships like this are often doomed because the person simply doesn't care enough to make any meaningful change. Reply 12.3k OnePoint21JizzaWatts • 2d 8 Awards This hits hard. I've been trying with my wife but she's not interested. She asked to separate just before Xmas Asked her to move out on my birthday earlier this week It hurts to be in the sa

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Text - the_friar · 2d O 20 Awards Someone elses response made me think of this one. When a partner raises objection to meeting with me individually. During the first session I share that during assessment I like to meet with them both together and once each individually. Occasionally l'll have partners who suddenly become very critical or suspicious about this. Asking why l'd do that, and is it ethical, and the classic "I've never heard of a marriage counselor doing that before?!" It goes beyond

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Text - Smashley213 · 2d S 5 Awards As someone who was in a very abusive relationship around this time last year, I can say this is 1000% accurate. It was one of the biggest red flags for me because it was the first time I realized I was being manipulated by my ex-gf. She was adamant that if we did therapy it would only be couples therapy. Even though we both had real traumas that warranted individual counseling as well. She was afraid a therapist would help me realize she was manipulating and ab

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Text - Chrisom · 2d 8 1 Award I was in couples therapy. At the end of the first session, the therapist asked us to say one nice thing about each other. I went first, said something nice about him. Therapist asked him to say something, and he replied "My mother always told me if you can't say something nice, say nothing. So l'll say nothing". Felt so sorry for the therapist. And yes, that's when I started planning my exit. I am now very happy in a new relationship and my "revenge" is to be living

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Text - BeDazzledBootyHolez · 2d 8 Awards What-aboutism. Instead of taking ownership and responsibility for their contribution to the degradation of the relationship one or both parties simply point out an example of the other exhibiting a similar behavior. It's a red flag because it illustrates their lack of self awareness and poor communication skills. Communication is key when trying to mend a tattered relationship because without respectful communication the conflict-recovery process can neve

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Text - PsychoPhilosopher · 2d Constant, needless escalation. When "I dont think we need this expensive thing" is escalated to "you don't really love me" - major problem. It shows up quickly in therapy if you're watching for it. Mostly because the one using this to avoid accountability is almost guaranteed to play this card in relation to therapy itself, either "I had to drag them here" or "they're just trying to break up with me" What they're doing is avoiding conversation about the issue by blo

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Text - jollybumpkin • 2d "High-conflict relationships." If frequent and bitter conflict began a few months (or less) after the relationship began, and continued, relationship therapy is going to be a shitshiow, won't be helpful. Either the conflict will continue indefinitely, or come to an end. Not just my opinion. The research supports this. Edit: if you've been there, l'd be interested to hear some stories about this, and so would other redditors. If you were able to fix a high conflict relati

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Text - paperbackella · 2d 1 Award I'm not a couples therapist but I recommended a couples therapist to a coworker for some premarital counseling. My partner and I had really enjoyed our premarital sessions from this super nice therapist and when a girl from my work got engaged she asked for his number. The day after their first session I got a call from the girl saying "I can't believe you sent me to this horrible, invasive, rude counselor!" I was in a panic! Oh no! What happened? She explained:

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Text - captain_ohagen · 2d As a clinical psychologist, I focused mainly on behavioral medicine and cognitive assessment, but did my fair share of marriage/couples work. Refusal or inability to compromise is a ginormous red flag, one that, I believe, is empirically validated. Compromise is a significant predictor of satisfaction in relationships, and it plays an important role in the long-term success of marriages and relationships in general. Reply 1.1k ...

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Text - kimbopalee123123 · 2d 4 Awards I'm reading through these as a mental checklist to keep in check my own actions, not just my partners. Thanks everyone for sharing! Reply 1 1.1k

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Text - nukeularkupcake · 2d My mom is a couples therapist and she says there are some people that she has told "you're not going to work out" on the first couple sessions. Reply 4.3k ... Fredredphooey • 2d Our therapist told my ex that, based on our several months of sessions, "nothing [I] did would be good enough" for him. She was not wrong. 773

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Text - dinosarahsaurus · 2d 74 Awards Boundary violations. Testing boundaries a little bit is ok but repeatedly violating boundaries is a big red flag. I work a lot with people who have left abusive relationships and often they doubt they ever will date again and eventually want to. We work on their personal boundaries but I also suggest some easy boundaries to have and how they can help. Boundary 1: maintain your routine. If you go to bed at 9pm and wake up to work out at 5am, maintain that. A

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