Fresh & Timeless Tweets From The Poets Of Twitter

Sure, Twitter has its drawback. Painfullybad takes, constant political debates, and weird K-Pop in-jokes seem to inundate our feeds. It can be hard to sift through the madness and enjoy the humorous commentary and comedy writing that we actually want to see. In the spirit of making everyone's lives easier, we've taken the funny stuff (both old and new) and put it all in one convenient place. So you don't have to see some all caps tweet about how masks don't work or another opinion about the storming of the Capitol.

1.

Text - nige @sensual_dad a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials 12:08 AM · 2020-05-22· Twitter for iPhone 1,084 Retweets 64 Quote Tweets 5,291 Likes

2.

Text - Christopher Ashman @CAshmanActor me: *opens wide & goes ahh* proctologist: how tf are you doing that 11:42 AM · 2020-05-08 · Twitter for iPhone 290 Retweets 7 Quote Tweets 1,715 Likes

3.

Text - Pigeon Fancier @isabelzawtun Simply cannot stop thinking about a girl I knew who dated a guy she couldn't STAND - all because his ex died in a plane crash, & her biggest fear was dying in a plane crash, & she figured there was no way the universe would let both of this guy's girlfriends die in a plane crash 5:28 PM · 2020-11-19 · Twitter for iPhone 10.1K Retweets 1,567 Quote Tweets 201K Likes

4.

Text - Sardonic Tart @SardonicTart Stages of Sunday: Morning: This is nice Afternoon: The weekend is going by too fast Evening: I wishl was dead 10:21 AM · 2015-01-11 · Twitter for Android 2,809 Retweets 49 Quote Tweets 4,050 Likes

5.

Text - abby @abbyOmal if adults can still be employed after storming the capitol building i can probably get a job with a nose ring 1:44 PM · 2021-01-12 · Twitter for iPhone 408 Retweets 12 Quote Tweets 3,324 Likes

6.

Vertebrate - Jenna B. Badd @jennapurrlee The elusive pte[redact]yl Pte yl 3:53 PM · 2021-01-12 · Twitter for iPhone 387 Retweets 16 Quote Tweets 2,098 Likes

7.

Text - Махou @maxoupial I love how emojis reflect every race: black, asian, white, the simpsons... 1:54 PM · 2021-01-12 · Twitter for Android 327 Retweets 7 Quote Tweets 4,048 Likes

8.

Text - Stephen Punwasi @StephenPunwasi Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion. You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It's that easy. 2:01 PM · 2021-01-10 · Twitter Web App 45.8K Retweets 2,190 Quote Tweets 431K Likes

9.

Text - 62 inches of Jo @writeden Accidentally called them endolphins instead of endorphins and I just. Can't help but picture tiny little dolphins jumping and doing tricks in our brains to make us happy 12:33 AM · 2021-01-11 · Twitter for iPhone 351 Retweets 18 Quote Tweets 2,143 Likes

10.

Text - سلیمان @topshuur Why on earth would u say "half a dozen" when u can literally say "six" 6:31 PM · 2021-01-10 · Twitter for iPhone 103K Retweets 7,485 Quote Tweets 897K Likes

11.

Text - cam •.. @climaxximus me: help, my house is burning down! mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it 12:20 PM · 2021-01-13 · Twitter for Android 833 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 8,533 Likes

12.

Text - hunter harris O @hunteryharris first home alone 2 actor to be impeached twice i'm guessing 5:40 PM · 2021-01-13 · Twitter for iPhone 6,552 Retweets 85 Quote Tweets 95.1K Likes

13.

Text - GREGGY ... @itmegreggy [extremely Rammstein voice] Google do Remove do hats Remove do hats fit Remove Google Search I'm Feeling Lucky 9:34 AM · 2021-01-14 · Twitter for iPhone

14.

Text - rosemary donahue @rosadona today has real *several people are typing* energy 4:14 PM · 2021-01-11 · Twitter Web App 308 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 2,134 Likes

15.

Text - what the actual heck @jazz_inmypants why is it spelled "camouflage" and not 11:09 AM · 2021-01-11 · Twitter Web App 5,503 Retweets 118 Quote Tweets 70.8K Likes

16.

Chin - kavs ... @3hotcheetosb0i "i love your curves" the curves: 3:18 AM · 2021-01-10 · Twitter for iPhone 143K Retweets 9,006 Quote Tweets 915K Likes

17.

Text - pierre menard @PierreMenard as an empath my heart really aches when you guys are losers 10:28 PM · 2019-01-07 · Twitter for iPhone 4,896 Retweets 103 Quote Tweets 18.3K Likes

18.

Glasses - bananafanafofisa @lisaxy424 "Hermit crab" describes me twice. 4:33 PM · 2016-06-05 · Twitter for iPhone 1,667 Retweets 21 Quote Tweets 3,385 Likes

19.

Text - trish @ULTRAGLOSS if astrology isn't real then why is every man born between january and december evil 1:21 PM · 2021-01-11 · Twitter for iPhone 45.3K Retweets 2,788 Quote Tweets 288K Likes

20.

Text - LIN Roger (Tall) @iamtherog Me? Ahah no but that happens a lot. I'm his brother, Vent. CORE 8:21 PM · 2021-01-10 · Twitter for iPhone 4,024 Retweets 213 Quote Tweets 32.4K Likes REZNOR

21.

Text - Ygrene @Ygrene Waiter: (carrying tray) okay so who ordered the nine Seven: right here 9:55 AM · 2021-01-12 · Twitter for iPhone 47 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 312 Likes

22.

Text - slate @PleaseBeGneiss elon musk is worth $200 billion so how do we sell him 1:55 PM · 2021-01-11 · Twitter for iPhone 5,259 Retweets 117 Quote Tweets 61.6K Likes

23.

LN !!! ... @abernothing BREAD COFFIN 11:42 PM · 2021-01-10 · Twitter Web App 85 Retweets 49 Quote Tweets 1,231 Likes

24.

Text - your new dad @drankturpentine can't imagine being married to a poet, you'd be all how was your day and they'd be like i wandered lonely as a cloud 12:09 AM · 2021-01-11 · Twitter for iPhone 110 Retweets 18 Quote Tweets 801 Likes

25.

Text - taming fred savage @FredTaming inventor of forts: we need some rules inventor of pockets: no girls allowed 10:59 AM · 2021-01-08 · Twitter for iPhone 53 Retweets 680 Likes

26.

Text - James Alvarez @ObscureGent [Sitting in traffic] This would be a lot easier with a car. 11:11 AM · 2019-02-21 · Twitter for iPhone 513 Retweets 5 Quote Tweets 2,277 Likes

27.

Text - ste(ph)en @stephenjmolloy ... air horn sound* *second air horn sound* Me: "This isn't deodorant." 4:36 PM · 2016-01-27 · Twitter for Android 25.9K Retweets 302 Quote Tweets 49.9K Likes

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