Freshly Harvested Tweets For For Your Scrolling Pleasure

It's amazing what people can pack into 280 characters these days. Political diatribes. Anti-vaxx manifestos. And then there's the comedy. We find the comedy a lot more palatable. And we've got a crap ton of it right here.

1.

Text - Crockett @CrockettForReal [Dracula bites a pig] Me: hampire 8:28 PM · 2020-08-07 · Twitter for iPhone 100 Retweets and comments 290 Likes

2.

Text - Autumn @auty_schmotty Me: I wish I had antennae on my head. Hubby: I would snip them off with scissors. And now we're having an argument about the fact that he can't love me with my hypothetical antennae. Marriage level: Expert 6:49 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for Android

3.

Text - FreeRangeMattress @free_mattress Boost your self confidence by having your 3 year old tell you they like the pink pimple on your forehead because they 'really like pink' 6:44 PM · 2020-08-09· Twitter Web App

4.

Text - bacon popsicle @Gupton68 I don't believe watching movie violence makes people do violent things. I've watched loads of porn, yet I almost never have the sex. 11:43 AM · 2018-04-08 · Twitter Web Client 519 Retweets and comments 725 Likes

5.

Text - Julia Gulia @JRobb773 Of course I have high standards for relationships; I grew up watching The Addams Family every day after school. 11:25 AM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for iPhone

6.

Text - Robyn @RawBeanCoal Friends don't tell friends that 1980 was 40 years ago 3:35 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for iPhone 68 Retweets and comments 307 Likes

7.

Text - Tyler on the Chill @_stylr I'm nostalgic for the days when acid rain and the hole in the ozone layer were our biggest concerns. 12:29 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for Android

8.

Text - Disneyland @Disneyland2go still closed. might have to fuck around and open in a few days for population control 5:02 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for iPhone 298 Retweets and comments 3,896 Likes

9.

Text - not brendan @crocodilethumbs the only time i'm not screaming on the inside is when i'm screaming on the outside 8:20 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for iPhone

10.

Text - Doth @DothTheDoth If you know someone who doesn't have anxiety issues, that's a demon. You're friends with a demon. 11:15 AM · 2020-07-20 · Twitter Web App 1,207 Retweets and comments 4,809 Likes

11.

Text - O daniel barnes O @Danny8bit It is okay to dislike something without desperately scrambling for the moral high ground to dunk on it 9:56 PM · 2020-08-07 · Twitter for iPhone 6,668 Retweets and comments 25.2K Likes

12.

Text - Jurassic Park Updates @JurassicPark2go JURASSIC PARK If you see a cockroach at, in or around any of our park eateries that is actually an exhibit. cockroaches lived during dinosaurs time and we meant for the cockroaches to be there. not a heath code violation 9:12 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for iPhone 177 Retweets and comments 1,646 Likes Jurassic Park Updates @Jurassi... · 15m v JURASIK PARK Replying to @JurassicPark2go stop complaining about all the cockroaches 27 16 695

13.

Text - Kyle @KylePlantEmoji "here comes the sun" shut the fuck up, the sun's not the one moving. Here comes the you 8:16 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for Android 168 Retweets and comments 1,541 Likes

14.

Text - Nostradumbass, O @The_Albinoshrek What if Facebook memories went back into your true world history like. 30 Years Ago You finger blasted Janine behind the bleachers at the high school homecoming. Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting was playing. Like Comment SHARE 8:58 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for Android

15.

Text - Naughty Zippo @NaughtyZippO Due to blatant disregard for the first two rules, vegan fight club will be cancelled until further notice. 12:35 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for Android

16.

Text - cam @climaxximus real estate agent: this house has 1 bedroom, 50 hallways, and it's haunted. pacman: sold 12:50 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for Android 1,824 Retweets and comments 16.2K Likes

17.

Text - james @heybuddy_comic me: therapy has been amazing her: so you don't wanna die anymore me: i do but now i can articulate why 11:25 AM · 2020-08-08· Twitter for Android 48.2K Retweets and comments 322K Likes

18.

Text - He Called Me Greenhorn @WhatsAGreenhorn The girls in Mambo No. 5 weren't Lou's first choices but Begas can't be choosers 12:28 PM · 2019-07-19 · Twitter for Android 259 Retweets and comments 827 Likes

19.

Text - Ygrene @Ygrene Petition to call it cheese & macaroni because we all know who is doing the heavy lifting here 4:57 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for iPhone

20.

Text - lan Dukes Pandemic Accepter @ianpauldukes TRUMP: the only people that die from covid have underlying conditions ME: bitch with you in office we're all under lying conditions 5:43 PM · 2020-08-10 · Twitter Web App 126 Retweets and comments 1,040 Likes

21.

Text - human aaron @humanaaron son: theres a monster in my closet me: oh sweetie, there's no such thing as monsters. The real monsters are hidden among us, members of the community. Even your own family can cause unspeakable psychological damage. son: me: Well goodnight 3:56 PM · 2020-08-11 · Twitter for iPhone 82 Retweets and comments 502 Likes

22.

Text - brandAn is good @LeBearGirdle The tennis point system is completely fucked. 15, then 30 and all of a sudden you have 40? Why is the 3rd score worth less than the 1st 2?? Then you look to see what the other person have and its LOVE?! Absolutely go to hell with this 4:00 PM · 2020-08-11 · Twitter for Android

23.

Text - katie @katieshrugs Canadians can't be vegan because you lose your citizenship if you ever refuse a poutine 11:23 AM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for iPhone

24.

Text - james @videojames_ [1 AD] guy: i cant believe it's been a year other guy: since what guy: i dont know 1:27 PM · 2020-08-10 · Twitter for iPhone 525 Retweets and comments 4,538 Likes

25.

Text - Pinky Swear @mack44_d I'm pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020. 1:44 PM · 2020-08-10 · Twitter for iPhone 524 Retweets and comments 1,364 Likes

26.

Text - Claire Behind The Hair Blue Tick @urmumsausername newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report? me: it's fine by me newspaper editor: that's perfect, thanks! 1:10 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for Android

27.

Text - clean slate @PleaseBeGneiss Jesus: *getting sunburned on the cross* omg is someone baking bread 2:10 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for iPhone 400 Retweets and comments 3,577 Likes

28.

Text - James Alvarez @ObscureGent T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth:T hope l'm remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers. 10:38 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter for iPhone

29.

Text - jo @WhaJoTalkinBout [painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more 6:36 PM · 2019-07-04 · Twitter for iPhone 2,099 Retweets and comments 8,725 Likes

30.

Text - Yogg Sylon @YSylon me: so i've been tanning in the nude wife: i'm afraid to ask me: wife: ..why? me [throwing my hands up]: IN CASE YOU WANT SOME SUNNY D wife: i hate you 6:50 AM · 2020-08-10 · Twitter for Android

31.

Text - gary @GaryBeStealin i got a license but i dont h 6:22 PM · 2020-08-08 · Twitter Web App 64.4K Retweets and comments 502K Likes

32.

Text - gary @GaryBeStealin got arrested for not using my turn signal and just requested the death penalty in court 8:30 PM · 2020-08-08 · Twitter Web App 260 Retweets and comments 3,326 Likes

33.

Text - Corn * @snyyred i dont even remember bein a baby i jus woke up one day and i was 5 5:46 PM · 2020-08-08 · Twitter for iPhone 8,400 Retweets and comments 74K Likes

34.

Text - Jah @Jah2Solid snapchat be like: A year ago today you were happy 10:25 PM · 2020-08-09 · Twitter Web App 4,651 Retweets and comments 28.1K Likes

35.

Text - Pinky Swear @mack44_d Forget it... ...I don't want to take over your dumb world anymore. 10:04 AM · 2020-08-10 · Twitter for iPhone

36.

Text - Sam Skoronski @SamSkoronski I don't really see how The Lord of the Flies fits in with the rest of the trilogy. 9:52 PM · 2020-08-06 · Twitter Web App

37.

Text - LL Cool Ranch Dorito D @TestyConfetti Adult me is thoroughly disappointed by how little I need a grappling hook gun to get around in my day to day 7:19 AM · 2019-10-29 · Twitter for Android

38.

Text - Gabe_Mathews_Band @GDUB18T found a penny picked it up ~all day long I've had unrealistic expectations 5:25 PM · 2020-08-06 · Twitter Web App

39.

Text - John H. Beers III @Bedlam_Beersie Growing weed in the cemetery so I can do bong R.I.P.s. 1:24 AM · 2020-08-04· Twitter for iPhone

40.

Text - reni @reniadeb bohemian rhapsody is several different songs in a trenchcoat 6:05 PM · 2020-08-08 · Twitter for Android

41.

Text - reni @reniadeb are they hot or do they just have really good eyebrows 5:11 PM · 2020-08-03 · Twitter for Android

Submitted by:



from Memebase https://ift.tt/3kDWGJk

Post a Comment

0 Comments