Funny & Fresh Witticisms From The Humorists Of Twitter

Twitter is one of the best places to find thoughtful and hilarious little quips about anything and everything. Some tweet about what's going on in the world while others share random shower thoughts or funny anecdotes that have no relevance to anything in particular. We're here for all of it as long as we're laughing! We're still giggling over the zingers in this hearty batch of Twitter gold.

1.

Facial expression - Asif Ullah @AsifUllah22 "Who took my?!!! ohh found it" 12:12 PM · 2020-11-10 · Twitter for Android 121 Retweets 6 Quote Tweets 256 Likes

2.

Text - Dropped Mike @rebrafsim T only scream at the top of my lungs when the top of my lungs is being unreasonable 6:13 PM · 2020-11-03 · Twitter for iPhone

3.

Text - Jester D @JustMeTurtle It's ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too. 12:33 PM · 2020-10-19 · Twitter for iPhone 116 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 406 Likes

4.

Text - Dropped Mike @rebrafsim ... Do not sit in the sun. Remain at least ninety million miles away from it at all times 11:02 AM · 2020-02-28· Twitter for iPhone 224 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets 914 Likes

5.

Text - tatum @50FirstTates holy shit mind blown. just found out the F.R.I.E.N.D.S acronym stands for the characters names: F eebee R achel M onica E leanor C haNdler S chrodinger 10:37 AM · 2020-11-10 · Twitter Web App 141 Retweets 13 Quote Tweets 1,129 Likes

6.

Text - Rachel Sennott @Rachel_Sennott this is ur final warning The Independent O @Independent · 13h Climate crisis could kill off great tits, scientists warn independent.co.uk/environment/cl... 1:38 PM · 2020-11-10 · Twitter for iPhone 1,054 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets 8,984 Likes

7.

Product - I appreciate you. @DeeLaSheeArt ... I thought Winnie the Pooh had a onlyfans TWILEYTM STAN ACCOUNT @Tean... · 1d I made the softest pant in the world. Show this thread 9:19 PM · 2020-11-09 · Twitter for iPhone 24.7K Retweets 692 Quote Tweets 118K Likes

8.

Text - Pakulo Papito @PakuloPapi ... life hack: u can't be sad if ur asleep 1:42 PM · 2020-11-10 · Twitter for iPhone 1,033 Retweets 134 Quote Tweets 5,191 Likes

9.

Text - gloha @glohfr if Michael Myers can chase the same bitch for 40 years then so can i 3:33 PM · 2020-11-09 · Twitter for iPhone 22 Retweets 6 Quote Tweets 171 Likes

10.

Photo caption - not hubert plant emoji @postedinthecrib if youre cold they're cold too... 8:42 PM · 2020-11-10 · Twitter for iPhone 2,838 Retweets 112 Quote Tweets 26.3K Likes

11.

Text - andrew @AndrewsNotFunny cops be like may the excessive force be with you 1:01 PM · 2020-06-01 · Twitter for Android 191 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 980 Likes

12.

Text - soul nate @MNateShyamalan •.. did you google it before asking me? because i'm just gonna google it. 11:08 AM · 2020-11-10 · Twitter for iPhone 1,331 Retweets 191 Quote Tweets 6,810 Likes

13.

Text - Ron Iver @ronnui_ If you are obsessed with christmas you are a disney person in my eyes. There is no difference, to me. 9:37 AM · 2020-11-09 · Twitter for Android 233 Retweets 35 Quote Tweets 2,973 Likes

14.

Text - ri. @riiavenus rich ppl always have all these imaginary solutions yet distributing their wealth is never one of them 10:49 AM · 2020-11-09 · Twitter for iPhone 4,297 Retweets 122 Quote Tweets 17.6K Likes

15.

Text - Duchess of Back Pain @hellohappy_time [being fired for watching "how dildos are made" on youtube] MY BOSS AT THE DILDO FACTORY: you should have known all of this already 3:03 PM · 2017-11-21 · Twitter for iPhone 2,361 Retweets 27 Quote Tweets 11.6K Likes

16.

Text - Pakulo Papito @PakuloPapi i wanna respect everybodys opinion but some peoples opinions are just so terrible 3:12 PM · 2020-11-05 · Twitter for iPhone 7,760 Retweets 387 Quote Tweets 15.9K Likes

17.

Text - slate @PleaseBeGneiss [in hell] me: why are there so many dinosaurs satan: i called dibs 1:09 PM · 2020-11-10 · Twitter for iPhone 114 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 1,128 Likes

18.

Text - Mat ... @matchu_chutrain Hey guys I just got my flu shot and now my arm has this red blinking light coming from it. Is this a common symptom? 12:49 PM · 2020-11-10 · Twitter for iPhone 136 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 4,731 Likes

19.

Joint - Mat @matchu_chutrain For 5 dollars I will come st*b your boyfriend to make sure he's not a cake RAPONS SOPERBOWL HOMPIONS 5:12 PM · 2020-07-11 · Twitter for iPhone 31.2K Retweets 981 Quote Tweets 343K Likes

20.

Text - andrew ... @AndrewsNotFunny who called them a bartender and not an under the influencer 5:42 PM · 2020-11-05 · Twitter for Android 21 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 281 Likes

21.

Text - míkey motorcykey @Tallboi_Icedtea ... you alright babe? you hardly said cows when we passed that field of cows 7:44 PM · 2020-11-08 · Twitter for iPhone 44.7K Retweets 1,777 Quote Tweets 225K Likes

22.

Text - ashley @lonelymood actors kiss each other for like 7 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone holds the door for me I think about it for 6 months 10:34 PM · 2019-11-30 · Twitter for iPhone 29.7K Retweets 1,295 Quote Tweets 171K Likes

23.

Text - corri ... @okiecorri i have a crush <3 ing sense of dread every second of every day 2:03 PM · 2020-11-01 · Twitter for iPhone 94 Retweets 577 Likes

24.

Text - Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969 this is like the time i got a new label maker 4BIG MOUNTAIN 9:41 AM · 2020-11-10 · Twitter for iPhone 209 Retweets 13 Quote Tweets 1,023 Likes

25.

Text - Chioma @_iamchiomaa Me after seeing my old conversations where I expressed myself too much M•E•M•E•S @Only__memes · 2d Bomboclaat NOC 9:07 AM · 2020-11-09 · Twitter for iPhone 18.8K Retweets 997 Quote Tweets 51.9K Likes

26.

Text - Madimoiselle @drivingmemadi [walking into a bed, bath, beyond] me: one beyond please cashier: *explodes* 9:13 PM · 2020-11-09 · Twitter for iPhone 33 Retweets 485 Likes

27.

Text - SMadimoiselle @drivingmemadi ... your future self is looking at you right now through memories 11:39 PM · 2020-11-08 · Twitter for iPhone 250 Retweets 83 Quote Tweets 2,399 Likes

28.

Text - Hillary (Not Sara) @smithsara79 Me: violence doesn't solve anything Friend: some guy was just really rude to me Me: *already taking off my earrings* where is he 6:45 PM · 2020-11-08 · Twitter for iPhone 250 Retweets 8 Quote Tweets 2,102 Likes

29.

Photo caption - SMadimoiselle @drivingmemadi ... you'd be having a sleepover with your friend and giggling at 3 am then your mom comes in and you both: 12:40 AM · 2020-11-10 · Twitter for iPhone 77 Retweets 9 Quote Tweets 1,118 Likes

30.

Text - Adam Cerious ... @Browtweaten "ugh mondays" buddy every day is terrible 8:14 PM · 2020-11-09 · Twitter for Android 223 Retweets 5 Quote Tweets 1,331 Likes

31.

Text - randy @randypaint ... geese wake up everyday and choose violence 4:35 PM · 2020-11-09 · Twitter for iPhone 4,225 Retweets 226 Quote Tweets 24.5K Likes

32.

Text - Dave Cactus @dave_cactus VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion. ME (sharpening my gun): Go on. 3:13 PM · 2020-11-10 · Twitter for Android 89 Retweets 443 Likes

33.

Text - randy @randypaint trump would be an absolute fucking nightmare to play monopoly with 8:01 PM · 2020-11-05 · Twitter for iPhone 543 Retweets 27 Quote Tweets 5,215 Likes

34.

Text - Christina, mother of spiders @Aikiwomannc Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* J Sweet Caroline From a distance: Bah bah bah Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human! Camera Sasquatch:I don't know. Could be a bird. 7:15 PM · 2020-11-05 · Twitter for Android

35.

Text - Summer Brennan ... @summerbrennan This week has felt like when you're five and your mom takes you with her to the bank and you are just stuck there for about ten thousand years and it will never ever end, crossed with being devoured by bears. 12:58 PM · 2020-11-05 · Twitter Web App 126 Retweets 11 Quote Tweets 1,093 Likes

36.

Text - Dropped Mike @rebrafsim [blind date] Me: nice to MEET you. Please, have a SEAT. Did you find parking on the STREET? Her: uh, why are you talking like that? Me: sorry; when I get nervous I stress | eat 9:06 AM · 2020-11-05 · Twitter for iPhone

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