33 Funny Quips From The Poets Of Twitter

While there's definitely a horrendous amount of terrible content on Twitter, some of the wordsmiths on the site make browsing worthwhile. But to save you the experience of having to acknowledge cringey political diatribes and woefully misguided takes, we've brought some of the site's redeeming compositions straight to you. No rants, no thinking. Just some entertaining tweets to get that dopamine flowing.

1.

Text - simon (is not my first name) @SelfLoathingYou my friend once said they were going to see a sleep scientist and i said "who, bill nye-quil??"and then like 6 years went by and now i'm telling you about it 6:45 PM · 2020-12-15 · Twitter for iPhone

2.

Text - whalefact @awhalefact whales are very rarely the cause of a divorce 1:47 PM · 2020-12-15 · Twitter for iPhone 165 Retweets 16 Quote Tweets 2,091 Likes

3.

Text - Rachel @femaleredhead i am so full of love. and anger. like a lava lamp 2:54 AM · 2020-12-15 · Twitter for iPhone 202 Retweets 12 Quote Tweets 954 Likes

4.

Text - thomas @perfectsweeties absolute thrill to give the pan a little shake when im cooking. no idea what the fuck im doing but it sure makes me feel fancy 9:05 PM · 2020-09-14 · Twitter for Android 9,509 Retweets 141 Quote Tweets 129K Likes

5.

Text - silent nate, holy nate @MNateShyamalan pretty disappointing that so many of the problems in my life must be solved through hard work and introspection, rather than by answering a mysterious stranger's perplexing riddle 8:20 PM · 2020-12-14 · Twitter for iPhone 338 Retweets 11 Quote Tweets 2,658 Likes

6.

Text - silent nate, holy nate @MNateShyamalan ... respect to the guy who wrote "jingle bell rock" for talking a really big game with that title and then delivering the absolute softest shit on earth 11:25 AM · 2020-12-14 · Twitter for iPhone 1,384 Retweets 29 Quote Tweets 26.6K Likes

7.

Text - jon drake @DrakeGatsby ... A corncob pipe AND a button nose? In this economy? 5:23 PM · 2020-12-14 · Twitter for iPhone 406 Retweets 5 Quote Tweets 4,639 Likes

8.

Text - silent nate, holy nate @MNateShyamalan ... you've heard of lockdown, now get ready for another lockdown we are doing lockdown again sorry 7:03 PM · 2020-12-15 · Twitter for iPhone 97 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 1,179 Likes

9.

Text - Mave @MavenofHonor [hearing that the sun will one day explode] okay cool, just let me know 10:03 PM · 2020-07-14 · Twitter for iPhone 566 Retweets 9 Quote Tweets 2,695 Likes

10.

Astronomical object - everything bad happening is zuck... @GraceSpelman me: gender is a social construct me to my cat: Mr. Sir! You are just a little boy who is a man. Mr. Sir Boy! 11:21 AM · 2020-12-13 · Twitter for iPhone 2,803 Retweets 187 Quote Tweets 25.1K Likes

11.

Teddy bear - everything bad happening is zuck... O .* @GraceSpelman 8:50 PM time to remind my cat he is just a little boy 9:50 PM · 2020-12-08 · Twitter Web App 393 Retweets 13 Quote Tweets 6,850 Likes

12.

everything bad happening is zuck... @GraceSpelman question for sports people -- let's say you're playing soccer and you put the ball in your mouth and hold it with your teeth and then you run down the field. is that technically legal 6:40 PM · 2020-12-07 · Twitter Web App 49 Retweets 25 Quote Tweets 1,393 Likes

13.

Text - burt jarvis O @iamburtjarvis ... if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is. 1. add tbsp. wow you're still reading this. 2. maybe it's time to logout, champ. 9:43 PM · 2018-07-21 · Twitter for iPhone 1,018 Retweets 21 Quote Tweets 3,561 Likes

14.

Text - Pru ... @prufrockluvsong oh no it's sweater weather [I am pelted by so many sweaters falling out of the sky] 3:52 PM · 2020-12-15 · Twitter for Android 60 Retweets 189 Likes

15.

Text - i praydalor my sodakeep @AlmondTiddies you've heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included) 9:48 PM · 2020-12-08 · Twitter for iPhone 10.5K Retweets 902 Quote Tweets 107K Likes

16.

Text - raina @quakerraina I think it was irresponsible for the itsy bitsy spider to go up the spout again 3:01 PM · 2020-12-07 · Twitter for iPhone 285 Retweets 7 Quote Tweets 3,887 Likes

17.

Text - caitie delaney (dumb bitch) @caitiedelaney these kids in Christmas movies who ask Santa for "my family to get back together" or "my parents to be happy again" are fucking losers. Ask for heelys 4:33 PM · 2020-11-27 · Twitter Web App 1,773 Retweets 71 Quote Tweets 27.6K Likes

18.

Screenshot - Monica Lewinsky, MSc. (she/her) @MonicaLewinsky .. no comment. O Eric Alper O @ThatEricAlper · 20h What's your weakest claim to fame? 1:25 AM · 2020-12-15 · Twitter for iPhone 4,347 Retweets 1,011 Quote Tweets 90.4K Likes

19.

Text - tara shoe ... @tarashoe uh actually going through life on 4-5hrs of sleep per night is a perfectly way of doing functioning for having to doing. in your living time 6:30 AM · 2014-11-11 · Twitter for iPhone 9,573 Retweets 147 Quote Tweets 17.9K Likes

20.

Text - Matt. ... @MattTheBrand i don't want to "do things" or "take care of myself" i want to "sit very still" and "eat noodles" 10:49 PM · 2019-12-09 · Twitter for Android 36.6K Retweets 550 Quote Tweets 148K Likes

21.

Text - Matt. ... @MattTheBrand fuck emotional maturity im gonna start hissing at ppl 11:08 AM · 2020-12-09 · Twitter for iPhone 487 Retweets 28 Quote Tweets 3,244 Likes

22.

Text - Jessie @mommajessiec Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows. 9:27 AM · 2018-12-07 · Twitter for iPhone 1,008 Retweets 63 Quote Tweets 3,936 Likes

23.

Text - FRO VO @fro_vo if you like christmas so much why don't you merry it 8:58 PM · 2013-12-22 · TweetDeck 1,207 Retweets 13 Quote Tweets 2,028 Likes

24.

Chin - COVID and Cambria @BoringDrew | can't unsee it 6:50 PM · 2020-11-28 · Twitter Web App 45.6K Retweets 4,552 Quote Tweets 423K Likes

25.

Font - slate @PleaseBeGneiss brain: did we get anything done this weekend? me: no brain: ok then at least we relaxed me: somehow also no 8:55 PM · 2020-12-13 · Twitter for iPhone 68K Retweets 2,569 Quote Tweets 452K Likes

26.

Human - astro bully angie •.. @teaxtarot I didn't "ghost" you... I cancelled my free trial 8:22 PM · 2020-12-14 · Twitter for iPhone 43 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets 245 Likes

27.

Text - Pru @prufrockluvsong I just want to be rich enough to confidently decline the free toothbrush at the dentist 6:38 PM · 2020-08-31 · Twitter for Android 225 Retweets 7 Quote Tweets 1,492 Likes

28.

Text - WALKERR @P_Walkerr2 me as a lawyer: your honour i have screenshots 9:08 AM · 2020-12-15 · Twitter for Android 825 Retweets 89 Quote Tweets 3,219 Likes

29.

Text - BIG DADDY ... @bigdaddyvinz Sleep hits different when you're not supposed to be sleeping 12:09 PM · 2020-12-15 · Twitter for iPhone 688 Retweets 38 Quote Tweets 2,432 Likes

30.

Text - NELL' @Adexnelson "Yikes, that sounded kinda depressing better put a "lImao" in there to throw em off" 11:57 AM · 2020-12-15 · Twitter for Android 1,027 Retweets 73 Quote Tweets 4,400 Likes

31.

Text - Matt. @MattTheBrand i've been really missing my friends lately so naturally i didn't reach out or communicate with them whatsoever 11:59 AM · 2020-12-15 · Twitter for iPhone 1,088 Retweets 110 Quote Tweets 6,945 Likes

32.

Text - everett byram @rad_milk a catholic is someone who's addicted to cats 6:12 PM · 2020-12-15 · Twitter for iPhone 66 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets 465 Likes

33.

Text - Alix E. Harrow (should be offline) @AlixEHarroW our anxious 4yo recently learned that all humans die. it was really tough, we all cried, but we got through it. today he found out that all humans die at DIFFERENT TIMES and he's LIVID 7:54 PM · 2020-12-14 · Twitter Web App 5,277 Retweets 1,010 Quote Tweets 96.5K Likes

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