30 Nuggets Of Scottish Twitter Gold

Tilesh Bo January 07, 2021

Dae ye talk Scots? Well, you might want to start. We don't hear much of the language IRL, but we run into it a lot on Twitter. And our lives are better because of that. The phonetic brogue makes pretty much everything ten times funnier, and because it's literally a different language, challenges our brains more than we're used to. Which is always a blessing. We've put together some solid gems from the hilarious Scottish Twitterverse - we hope you enjoy them, too. 

1.

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2.

Text - Dayna McAlpine @daynamcalpine_ my friend only shaves if she knows she's 100% going to be having sex bc 'there's no point peeling a tattie if yer no going to mash it' 11:04 - 17/02/2020 from Edinburgh, Scotland · Twitter for iPhone 25 Retweets 229 Likes

3.

Text - Philip Larkin @philiplarkin Just spotted a cat on someone's porch, miaowing to be let in. Without thinking, I walked up to the door, rang the bell, nodded to the cat and left. It was only I rounded the corner I realised what I'd done as I heard the owner shouting F K ME SARAH THE CAT JUST RANG THE DOORBELL 12:11 PM 24 Feb 18 16.3K Retweets 43.1K Likes >

4.

Text - joe heenan @joeheenan I was in the queue for Tesco. Gammon at the front was kicking up a fuss cause he wasn't allowed in as he wasn't wearing a mask. Guy 2 places in front of me shouted "GET A F IN' MASK OR F K OFF YA C T" Everyone in the queue nodded. God I love Scotland 11:15 · 10 Jul 20 · Twitter for Android

5.

Text - BENYID @bernardmeechan1 Arguing with carly over how to cook steaks, i says "aye well ive watched plenty of videos on youtube. Her reply, "aye well youve watched hunners of porn tae n you canny do that right either"

6.

Text - AJ @masiavelli I MA Heavy weird that a lot of Americans love screaming about how aborting an unborn foetus is murder of the highest degree but as soon as it's fresh oot the womb it's fair game fur getting its wee skull blasted tae bits wae an AR-15 cause that's what FREEDOM is aw aboot, yeehaw 23/05/2018, 9:51 pm 1,766 Retweets 6,601 Likes

7.

Text - Harlot @sharpbyname8 Told my dad I had a missus yesterday and it went Me-dad am with someone. Da- right is he local? M- am with a girl D- sound is she local?

8.

Text - Ross Sayers @Sayers33 A year ago my girlfriend lost her favourite neck- lace. She was running for a taxi & it snapped & went down a drain. Little did she know I con- tacted the council & asked them to search the drain. So...this Xmas I presented her a Topshop voucher cause the Council told me to f k off. 22:09 26 Dec 19 Twitter for Android

9.

Text - Lydia @LydiaMizon Coworker's 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King. Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep. day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

10.

Sleeve - Сecil Teapot @cecilteaspoon TRIPTHETIT I like Scottish clothes shops,they let you see how good you look crawling home pished.

11.

Text - Pie and Bovril pie ovril @pieandbov We are all going to survive the Corona virus then die overdoing the celebrations once it's over. It's the Scottish way.

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13.

Text - Regular Frog @FrogCroakley Follow *scientist cradles scotch egg in hands* *a tiny fist breaks through the crumbs; a scotsman hatches* *Jurassic park theme swells on bagpipes* RETWEETS FAVORITES 1,289 1,323 3:39 AM - 29 Jun 2015 ...

14.

Text - TheFatConsoler ... @TheFatConsol3R My son is terrified of the Loch Ness Monster rn. Absolutely terrified. Keeps asking me questions about it, can it get out of the loch, is the loch far away etc. No idea where he even heard about it. I told him it can drive and could be in our town in about 20mins. Eats wee boys.

15.

Text - Perry Sloan @SloanPerry when you push a pull door and the person behind says "you need to pull" aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom

16.

Electric blue - Ross Whiteheeeed @_rosswhitehead Still canny believe the queen won that marathon, wee lightning mcqueen

17.

Property - Catherine @talonofthehawk Canny stop thinking about the time ma da hung up a onesie to dry and it looked like ma maw had topped herself

18.

Text - Fern Brady @FernBrady Follow A little girl just blew a raspberry at me for checking out her fit dad & honestly it's the most offended I've been in YEARS. Gonna shag yer dad ya wee cow. 5:50 PM - 13 Nov 2018 14 Retweets 184 Likes 5 t7 14 184

19.

Text - Dayna McAlpine @daynamcalpine_ my pals think living in scotland is all beautiful rolling hills and friendly patter when in reality it's a junkie shouting 'ye goin for a s te hen?' at me because i'm carrying a 16 roll pack of toilet roll

20.

Text - Calum Paton @calum_paton lassie ID'd me at tesco and said "is this you or your twin brother" if he was ma twin he'd be the same age as me ya badger

21.

Text - joe heenan @joeheenan I'm on a bus in Glasgow & there's 2 young guys sat in the seats in front of me. One of them just said "If that Coronavirus comes here I'Il kick it's fin' ct in" Amazing 13:32 · 27/02/2020 · Twitter for Android 392 Retweets 3,451 Likes

22.

Text - Rach. @RachTeaBiscuits sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn't share it with anyone who doesn't want scottish independence 09/08/2017, 00:37 715 Retweets 2,676 Likes

23.

Text - sarah @s_rahkelly canny wrap my heed round why jk rowling wilny shut the fk up. so imerssed in her bizarre hatred for a vulnerable group she's willing to throw away her entire reputation as an author and public figure to simply be known as that mental ct obsessed with other people's genitals 4:33 AM · 7/6/20 · Twitter for iPhone

24.

Text - Dylan Ramage @DylanRamage1 Scotland Pari O @Paricyte 1d Say something nice about the UK Show this thread

25.

Text - Thomas Dolatowski @tom_dolatowski Weird how u get aw these racism issues in America and then u have Scotland where no one actual gives a f k what raceu are as long as ur no a goth 22/05/2018, 13:03 2,126 Retweets 9,781 Likes

26.

Text - Aidn @_AM63_ Smith took acid last night and two burds were talking Gaelic and no Cunt telt smithn he just thought he couldn't understand English anymore and sat fried tryin no to cry

27.

Text - rosie @rosiemudie Called a weird French b h out for being a wee cow on my photo and she's threatened tae come to Scotland and beat me up omg je suis sh ting my pantalons x

28.

Text - Anne Thériault @anne_theriault Scotland, man. They don't fk around. This urinal is dedicated to three men who participated in the Scottish Highland Clearances. These men took part in what is now recognised as a form of Central Government endorsed ethnic cleansing. Through their greed and bigotry, they and others have been instrumental in destroying a centuries old Scottish Highland way of life. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PAY THEM THE RESPECT THEY ARE DUE >

29.

Text - Daniel Roan. @DRoantree More good election news; Someone in Scotland wrote "WANK" beside every party on their ballot, other than the Green Party, beside which was written "not wank". According to Scottish Law that indicates "Clear preference" and the vote got counted hahahahaha 10:35 · 27 May 19 Twitter for iPhone

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Tilesh Bo

Posted by Tilesh Bo

HI, Tilesh Bo here, currently an IT student but a part-time digital marketer.

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