30 Tweets Featuring Amusing Plot Twists

Remember that "They had us in the first half, not gonna lie" meme? Well, these tweets perfectly exemplify the format, albeit in the form of character-restricted twitter gems. The jokes are a perfect example of how you can pack twists and turns into short shows of absurdist comedy.

1.

Text - Viktor Winetrout Follow @Cpin42 My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard. 5:10 PM - 7 Aug 2013 6 17 7,049 v 11,873

2.

Text - Diversion div ersion Follow @Diversion50 "Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised l'd been invited to an autopsy. 8:08 PM - 1 Nov 2014 6 17 2,977 V 4,426

3.

Text - josh Follow @ruinedpicnic [Sees bee on my wife's arm] Uh oh [I roll up a newspaper] Babe.. stay still.. (using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE'S A FUCKING BEE ON YOU 4:01 PM - 16 Feb 2015 6 17 28,249 43,993

4.

Text - Flirt ;-) Follow @1MeLro Of course I touch myself when I think about you It's called a face palm 4:09 PM - 22 Jul 2015 6 13 619 V 646

5.

Text - Dani Fernandez Follow @msdanifernandez [during sex] him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens [takes out telescope to watch comet] 3:48 AM - 10 Aug 2015 6 17 1,354 V 2,684

6.

Text - dan mentos Follow @DanMentos [introducing girlfriend to my family] me: this is my girlfriend janine janine: hi wife: what the fuck 4:14 AM - 11 Aug 2016 6 17 7,798 V 17,000

7.

Text - Paul Follow @FrenulumBreve ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before. INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again. 3:05 PM - 19 Aug 2015 6 17 6,185 V 9,420

8.

Text - pakalu papito Follow @pakalupapito roses r red violets r blue sunflowers r yellow i bet u were expecting someting romantic but no this is just gardening facts 2:34 AM - 11 Jul 2014 6 17 11,344 V 10,178

9.

Text - Nathan Usher Follow @thenatewolf Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy. I love to eat capitalization. 5:16 AM - 27 Jun 2014 6 17 12,348 V 19,997

10.

Text - vineyille Follow @vineyille Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP 5:58 PM - 27 Jun 2013 6 17 5,563 V 9,312

11.

Text - keet Follow @KeetPotato wife: that was a lovely funeral until you ruined it me: i did not ruin it [cuts to me shaking widow's hand] me: let's do this again sometime 9:22 AM - 8 Sep 2016 6 17 320 V 762

12.

Text - Br&on the Cow Follow @Brampersandon_ [high school sex ed class] TEACHER: any questions ME: is it true a penis is just an inside out vagina TEACHER: Brandon ur 32 why are u here 2:12 AM - 7 Mar 2016 6 17 517 ♥ 1,470

13.

Text - Noodles @Dawn_M_ Follow Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton. 5:31 PM - 11 Feb 2015 6 17 5,067 6,906

14.

Text - Pablo Follow @kylegotjokes My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you" now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that 2:55 AM - 21 Aug 2013 6 17 1,852 V 1,582

15.

Text - local badboy, Follow @hippieswordfish ME: isn't this great?? WIFE: not really ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong 1:01 AM - 3 Nov 2015 6 17 13,347 V 22,666

16.

Text - Blind Chow Follow @BlindChow "That'll be $19.94." *pulls out $50 bill* "Sorry, we've had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?" *pulls out $25 bill* 6:19 AM - 1 Feb 2015 t7 7,242 V 15,139

17.

Text - Derek TM @ProdigyNelson Follow Her: when you said "magical in bed" this isn't exactly what I was exp- Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card Her: *softly* holy shit 2:32 AM - 17 Jan 2016 6 17 26,547 V 41,475

18.

Text - GoaT FacE Follow @Endhoos *stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset* Sara? *Gets down on one knee* *audible gasp* "Yes?" Help my knee is made of magnets 1:28 PM - 10 Jan 2014 6 17 4,647 ♥ 7,476

19.

Text - Jeff Wysaski @pleatedjeans Follow [couple tossing baby back and forth] [music stops] judge: custody granted dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT 8:25 PM - 22 Feb 2015 6 17 1,700 v 3,810

20.

Text - Jeff Wysaski @pleatedjeans Follow [sees kid crying in grocery store] hey little guy [kneels down to his level] Can you please move you're blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch? 6:17 PM - 19 Feb 2016 t7 1,432 V 2,774

21.

Text - David Hughes Follow @david8hughes Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead 3:43 PM - 19 Mar 2016 6 17 2,228 V 4,288

22.

Text - Will Rodgers Follow @WilliamRodgers MARRIED SEXT Her: Is it in? Him: Not yet Her: Put it In now! Him: Ok it's in Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again! 7:00 PM - 23 May 2016 6 17 486 746

23.

Text - Ship's Short Stories @Ship Tale Follow She fussed and fussed over him; telling him how great he was, and how sweet. She was chatty, for a cannibal. #MashReads 2:00 AM - 18 May 2014 6 17 4 V 8

24.

Text - troy Follow @jordanboodie I love how music can take you to another place. for example Meghan Trainor is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe. 12:15 AM - 8 Aug 2015 6 13 478 V 589

25.

Text - Turd Ferguson Follow @generaldietz Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what? Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir. 5:47 PM - 9 Oct 2015 6 17 3,266 V 5,017

26.

Text - Justin Guarini @JustinGuarini Follow My wife wanted two kittens but I am the man in this house so we got two kittens 1:19 AM - 17 Jan 2015 6 17 2,412 v 4,169

27.

Text - Olivia Twisted Follow @aveuaskew [hugging mom at sister's funeral] "And you said l'd never be your favorite" 7:20 PM - 19 Jul 2015 t7 1,907 V 3,815

28.

Text - Truckstop Vigilante @BRENTHOR Follow Yes, judge I do have something to say. If you truly are what you eat then I am an innocent man. Thank you. 5:38 PM 18 Dec 2014 6 17 1,436 V 2,971

29.

Text - Frank Whitehouse Follow @WheelTod I was raised as an only child. My siblings took it pretty hard 1:27 PM 16 Apr 2016 6 17 673 ♥ 1,373

30.

Text - Todd 'Papi' Carlos @The ToddWilliams Follow [grocery produce aisle] ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots? CLERK: No, why do you ask? CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask? 7:40 PM - 19 Mar 2016 6 17 4,126 8,139

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