Excellent Tweets For Quality Procrastination

Twitter is a lot of things: a political nightmare, a sea of bad takes, and also a place where some funny individuals shoot their best jokes and observational humor into the abyss. Only the latter category is of use to us (unless we're making fun of people). And it's especially useful when we're trying to scroll the time away. We hope these tweets give you the solace from reality that you need.

1.

Text - Leon in NJ on a Hill ... @LeonInNewJersey Son: Where is the letter E? Bobby Darin: Somewhere beyond the C 10:48 PM · 2020-02-07 · Twitter Web App

2.

Text - Toddallmyt @OH_GAWD_OF_FUNK So throwing a roll of quarters in the ocean is not how you open an offshore account. 5:06 PM · 2018-12-04 · Twitter for iPhone

3.

Text - Ben Rosen @ben_rosen extremely mad to learn the count is appropriating vampire culture Sesame Street's Count von Count was originally modeled after Bela Lugosi's interpretation of Count Dracula. Yet, while he exhibits many classic vampire clichés – an old spooky castle, a fondness for bats, fang-like teeth, and his overall appearance – he has never been explicitly identified as a vampire, on screen. 9:30 PM · 2020-08-16 · Twitter for iPhone

4.

Text - David @dvvidmurray My problem with masks is that they cover my nose ring which is basically all l've got going for me 10:02 AM · 8/5/20 · Twitter for Android 35.5K Retweets and comments 151K Likes

5.

Text - Махi Tea @maxi_tea Thad a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up. 5:12 PM · 2020-08-06 · Twitter for iPhone 399 Retweets and comments 2,037 Likes

6.

Text - Some Jo-panese Boy ... @writeden Friend: Listen, I think you may have a problem with overusing contractions. Me: It's what it's. 5:48 PM · 2020-05-15 · Twitter for iPhone 3,095 Retweets and comments 23.2K Likes

7.

Text - The White House @whitehousenews the president just signed an executive order to equip his helicopter with a baseball card so it sounds like a motorcycle 3:49 PM · 2020-08-16 · Twitter for iPhone 125 Retweets 1,438 Likes

8.

Text - MA Helle 2NWAHN @Str8fromHelle My watch just gave me credit for 2 minutes of exercise getting on this pool float. Follow me for more fitness tips. 4:33 PM · 2020-07-11 · Twitter for iPhone 101 Retweets and comments 421 Likes

9.

Text - water baby @ocean_elles the only thing that really needs legs for days is an octopus. one for every day of the week and an extra because life in the sea is a dangerous bitch 3:46 PM · 2020-08-16 · Twitter Web App

10.

Text - Maryfairyboberry @maryfairybobrry My husband and I accidentally brushed hands while unloading the dishwasher sol guess you could say yes, we are very sexually active. 12:42 PM · 2020-08-11 · Twitter for iPhone 190 Retweets and comments 1,110 Likes

11.

Text - Jules @julcasagrande I told myself to calm down and now I can't stand that bitch. 8:20 AM · 2020-08-16 · Twitter for iPhone 157 Retweets and comments 405 Likes

12.

Text - Not So Delicate @not_delicate Me: My husband told me to relax Judge: Holy shit, divorce granted 12:03 PM · 2019-12-19 · Twitter for iPhone 104 Retweets 285 Likes

13.

Text - slate @PleaseBeGneiss Just drank 8 glasses of water and now I can spell restaurant 6:06 PM · 2020-08-16 · Twitter for iPhone 52 Retweets 360 Likes

14.

Text - Leon in NJ on a Hill @LeonlnNewJersey Anyone who sang a song before "Like A Virgin" is a Pre-Madonna 8:09 PM · 2020-08-16 · Twitter Web App

15.

Text - 烫区 Christina, mostly merciless @Aikiwomannc My anxiety had that not so fresh feeling so I found something new to stress over. 6:10 PM · 2020-08-08 · Twitter for Android

16.

Text - SMadimoiselle @drivingmemadi my boyfriend and i go to Taco Bell. what do you want i ask him. a baja blast? no. he gets down on one knee. i want something that will baja last. will you marry me? they ring the taco bell. we live happily ever after mas. 12:55 AM · 2020-08-16 · Twitter for iPhone 31.3K Retweets and comments 289K Likes

17.

Text - Girl Who Came to Stay @Mom_Overboard One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?! 5:19 PM · 2020-08-16 · Twitter for iPhone 246 Retweets and comments 2,449 Likes

18.

Text - Shen Comix @shenanigansen what does the year say when autumn arrives? welcomn 11:23 AM · 2020-08-15 · Twitter for Android 214 Retweets and comments 5,241 Likes

19.

Text - Rude Astrology RUDE ASTROLOGY @Rude_Astrology srehets due to personal reasons, I will not be reincarnating on earth again. 7:11 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter Web App 4,290 Retweets 10.3K Likes

20.

Text - nelward @nelward64 why do ppl named Matthew always go by Matt and never Hew

21.

Text - Glenn @Shenaniglenns "Can't win em all" Bro I would like to win at least one 5:18 PM · 2020-08-13 · Twitter for iPhone 52.9K Retweets and comments 325K Likes

22.

Text - Vision Bored @VisionBored1 I now have a designated screaming pillow 10:45 AM · 2020-08-12 · Twitter for iPhone 75 Retweets and comments 332 Likes

23.

Text - Don ... @theAtomicDon Best part of painting is licking the inside of the can when you're done. 10:48 PM · 2020-08-14 · Twitter for Android

24.

Text - Trey @treydayway You can say, "I'm sorry Matt treated you that way" to nearly every white girl and act like you read her mind. 10:21 PM · 2020-08-14 · Twitter for Android 186 Retweets and comments 794 Likes

25.

Text - SpacedMom @copymama House rule #283: If you find that some of your bread has molded, you must show someone in your household how disgusting it is before throwing it away. 10:44 AM · 2020-08-13 · Twitter Web App

26.

Text - SpacedMom @copymama My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine. 10:37 AM · 2019-07-08 · Twitter Web Client 339 Retweets and comments 2,023 Likes

27.

Text - Pessimus Prime @BigJDubz Picasso dn but I've joke got a about it's messed Translate Tweet 8:05 AM · 2020-08-14 · Twitter for Android 197 Retweets and comments 737 Likes

28.

Text - nicky the soup shark @mostlysharks sharks don't recognise shark week because every week is shark week when you're a shark (also time isn't real) 9:08 PM · 2020-08-12 · Twitter for iPhone 780 Retweets and comments 5,894 Likes

29.

Text - b. @bwebster76 It's like l'm assigned an insect every time I walk outside. 10:34 AM · 2020-08-16 · Twitter for Android

30.

Text - Özzy UNC @ozzyunc Ever wonder about how weirdly shaped cartoon characters' skeletons would be? Anyone? 8:01 AM · 2020-08-16 · Twitter Web App

31.

Text - bacon popsicle @Gupton68 Going nuclear sounds hot. 7:45 AM · 2020-08-16 · Twitter for iPhone

32.

Text - Suzan @ForbesSuzan To all the men: when you accumulate the understanding to know why a pizza is made round, to be put in a square box, and it's eaten in triangles, then and only then will you be able to understand women. 6:22 PM · 2020-08-11 · Twitter for iPhone

33.

Text - Roxi Horror @roxiqt ... The best part of being a person with a uterus is all of the additional inventory space for tools, potions and herbs. 1:30 PM · 2020-08-16 · TweetDeck

34.

Text - soul nate @MNateShyamalan ... why is it that if you say your favorite food is "spaghetti" you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like "vermicelli" i'm like "woah this guy probably goes to the opera" 1:28 PM · 2020-08-16 · Twitter for iPhone

35.

Text - Jenny and the Bets O O @colourmesad I'm super mean to the guys 'm attracted to. It's science so they don't fall in love with me. 12:13 AM · 2020-08-16 · Twitter for iPhone 26 Retweets and comments 204 Likes

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