Mega-Dump Of Fresh Tweets For Bored Scrolling

Want to kill your boredom without committing to a crap ton of reading? These tweets were made for you. Short, sweet, and jam-packed with clever comedy, these humorous tidbits are a wonderful way to keep yourself entertained. Happy scrolling.

1.

Text - Ygrene @Ygrene ... [hearing that someone has died] oh no that guy hated dying 9:42 AM · 2017-03-11 · Twitter for iPhone 2,644 Retweets and comments 7,999 Likes

2.

Text - SMadimoisellez @drivingmemadi male birth control exists it's called trying to be funny on twitter 5:48 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter for iPhone 2,370 Retweets and comments 24.3K Likes

3.

Text - Melvin of York @Melvinof York Alcohol commercials always show people havinga great time at the beginning of the evening but never people crying about their childhood while puking at 3am 5:11 PM · 2020-08-23 · Twitter Web App 217 Retweets and comments 825 Likes

4.

Text - cam @climaxximus finally quit my job for a new one that pays double! it was a hard decision to make but selling drugs is the right choice for me. 4:55 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter for Android 200 Retweets and comments 2,084 Likes

5.

Text - Katie Didn't @Pork_Chop_Hair Me:I need to see a supervisor Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma'am 6:58 PM · 2018-09-18 · Twitter for iPhone 1,029 Retweets and comments 2,944 Likes

6.

Text - Russell ... @208RAB Some people don't know that "it's" is short for "it is," but it's 5:06 AM · 2018-11-29 · Twitter for iPhone 699 Retweets and comments 2,193 Likes

7.

Text - Lord Hugh Mungus @PoodleSnarf A good portion of my anxiety is trying to time my hello when I walk towards someone 4:42 PM · 2020-08-23 · Twitter for iPhone

8.

Text - Russell @208RAB friend: you're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition me: but you just did 4:03 PM · 2020-08-20 · Twitter for iPhone

9.

Text - Terry F @daemonic3 wife: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell? me: [sips from "world's greatest science teacher" mug] the mito chondr I a 12:26 AM · 2020-08-26 · Twitter Web App 515 Retweets and comments 4,005 Likes

10.

Text - linc @lincnotfound me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram* hot dog demon: not you again 1:28 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter for iPhone 647 Retweets and comments 5,854 Likes

11.

Text - tom @pilau her: my parents aren't home ;) Batman: [kicks dirt] mine are never home 10:25 AM · 2020-08-26 · Twitter for iPhone 105 Retweets and comments 803 Likes

12.

Text - just disappointed max @MaxSparks9 ... The app is called TikTok because every video you watch you are reminded of the reasons humanity is running out of time 11:56 AM · 2020-08-20 · Twitter for iPhone

13.

Text - john @mrjohndarby nobody: sitcom writers: men don't remember what day they got married 7:54 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter Web App

14.

Text - Professional Worrier @pro_worrier_ I don't know how we are ever going tO trust celebrating the new year again. 11:18 AM · 2020-08-26 · Twitter for iPhone

15.

Text - Das Skoogeth @Skoog batman: you're not funny joker: and you're not a bat yet here we are batman: joker: batman: [they kiss] 1:03 PM · 2020-08-26 · Twitter Web App 48 Retweets 264 Likes

16.

Text - Hans Grubertron ... @HansGrubertron [Jurassic Park] JOHN HAMMOND: We've spared no expense! ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you've hired 5 employees to run an entire island JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs 9:01 AM · 2018-06-11 · Twitter for Android 8,026 Retweets and comments 38.4K Likes

17.

Text - nashTM ... @itsnashflynn i'd much rather be haunted by ghosts than the dumb shit i've said in my life, bring it on victorian murder victims 12:57 PM · 2020-08-26 · Twitter for Android

18.

Text - The Best Dave You Know ... @TheFaceOfDave Scowl is short for Simon Cowell. 11:02 AM · 2020-08-26 · Twitter Web App

19.

Text - Ginger @gingerbrigade1 I'll steal your heart and then sell it back to you at a 50% markup. 8:12 PM · 2020-08-21 · Twitter for iPhone

20.

Text - Janie BLM Goode @2browneyedboys did you ever have a really good pen 2:11 PM · 2020-08-24 · Twitter for iPhone 371 Retweets and comments 2,497 Likes

21.

Text - benoît and 43 others @NomDeBenoit I feel like cumulus clouds are over represented in children's art. Send tweet 6:11 PM · 2020-08-26 · Twitter for Android

22.

Text - Al Dente @six_2_and_even Surely I'm not the only one who gets a cheap thrill ramming the shopping cart home into the other shopping carts 2:09 PM · 2020-08-26 from Plymouth, MA · Twitter for iPhone 71 Retweets and comments 263 Likes

23.

Text - BreakingDad @erichwithach I do not understand flies at all. If I walked in somewhere and a giant started swatting at me, 100% I would leave and not come back. 5:25 PM · 2020-08-26 · Twitter Web App

24.

Text - slate @PleaseBeGneiss sometimes I order a salad just to stab something a thousand times 7:02 PM · 2020-08-26 · Twitter for iPhone 121 Retweets and comments 557 Likes

25.

Text - Karen Chee @karencheee not many people know this, but the movie Kill Bill is actually about a round of Fuck Marry Kill that gets out of hand 5:41 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter Web App

26.

Text - Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal ... "My Two Kims" After an unsuccessful Presidential run, Kanye West continues his pursuit of a career in politics, ultimately landing an appointment as the US Ambassador to North Korea. The show follows Ye & fam as they adjust to life in their new home in Pyongyang. 5:34 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter Web App

27.

Text - mcdonald's facts McDonal @mcdonaldfacts grimace has escaped Translate Tweet 11:12 AM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter for iPhone 102 Retweets and comments 282 Likes

28.

Text - Gabe_Mathews_Band @GDUB18T ... I get it Comic Sans I'm nobody's type either 12:51 AM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter Web App

29.

Text - Jimmy @lieslmao ... how do lawyers not cry when arguing 4:50 PM · 2020-08-24 · Twitter Web App 181K Retweets and comments 843K Likes

30.

Text - Joel @joeljeffrey When you smoke marijuana on a boat it's called sea weed. Thanks for following and stay tuned for more of these great tweets. 4:15 PM · 2020-08-23 · Twitter Web App

31.

Text - Jimmy @lieslmao i may be ugly but i used to be uglier 12:46 AM · 2020-08-22· Twitter Web App 285K Retweets and comments 1M Likes

32.

Text - tatum •.. @50FirstTates the banana was once a perfect representation of phone shape. u could hold it up like "haha hello?" and make ur friends die laughing. but these times are behind us. phonesr just rectangles now. we need a replacement food. i hereby nominate the ice cream sandwich 3:11 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter Web App 459 Retweets and comments 3,773 Likes

33.

Text - Jimmy @liesImao pls don't flirt with me, i'm not tryna cheat on my crush who don't like me 6:07 AM · 2020-08-24 · Twitter Web App 2,666 Retweets and comments 10.7K Likes

34.

Text - beans after dark after dark @goodbeanaltalt went on a first date w this girl and when she said thanks for dinner I tried to say "you're welcome" and "no problem" at the same time and accidentally asked her to marry me 8:36 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter for iPhone

35.

Text - mostly dog pI cs ally gator @notacroc squirtle [alternate universe where jesus christ's name was jeffy spaghetti] ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti 10:49 PM · 2017-04-06 · Twitter for Android 12.2K Retweets and comments 32.4K Likes

36.

Text - Casbien Barr •.. @CasbienBarr We need to invent a Geiger counter for background anxiety 7:34 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter Web App

37.

Text - Glenn @Shenaniglenns Isaac Newton: finally i've figured out gravity Dairy Queen employee: here's ur blizzard [flips it] Isaac: are you fucking k- 12:15 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter for iPhone 12.9K Retweets and comments 131K Likes

38.

Text - Girl Who Came to Stay @Mom_Overboard •.. Drake's Canadian, that's why he liked Rihanna so much. When she sang, "under my umbrella ella ella, Eh Eh Eh", he really felt that. 2:27 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter for iPhone

39.

Text - Indy * @IndecisiveJones ... just crushing up these tums to sprinkle on my pizza like parmesan cheese. looking forward to my forties 3:06 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter for iPhone 95 Retweets and comments 393 Likes

40.

Text - greggy @WeedlordKrillin Genie: good sir, I am trapped in this etch-a-sketch! If you free me I shall grant three wishes, whatever your heart desires! Me: *rubs vigorously* Me: hey where'd you go? 11:18 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter for iPhone

41.

Text - DMX Titties ... @TT_Sunshine_ I've never seen a picture sum me up so perfectly. MOIST & UNSTABLE 10:52 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter for iPhone 51 Retweets and comments 389 Likes

42.

Text - Lance Said This @Lance_Said_This Ijust had my first bacon wrapped date. Actually it was our third date, but the first time she agreed to put on the bacon. 10:31 PM · 2019-08-12 · Twitter Web App

43.

Text - Michael | Black Lives Matter @Home_Halfway There had to have been at least one Care Bear who didn't give a shit 8:35 PM 2020-08-25 · Twitter Web App 81 Retweets and comments 469 Likes

44.

Text - Lance Said This ... @Lance_Said_This What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there's no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it. 2:33 PM · 2014-07-21 · Twitter Web App 695 Retweets and comments 1,324 Likes

45.

Text - thomas ... @perfectsweeties i feel so stupid when i walk. what do i do with my hands. should my hips be moving like that. it feels like my head is bouncing too much. regardlessi know for a fact i do not look cool at all right now 6:48 PM · 2020-08-25 · Twitter for Android 359 Retweets and comments 2,731 Likes

46.

Text - pajarito @pajaritosimpson Elon Musk brags about becoming the first interplanetary species as if Space Jam never happened 3:14 PM · 2020-08-19 · Twitter Web App 126 Retweets and comments 587 Likes

47.

Text - Tundra British Columbia Headhunte... @BeeeejEsq What do you mean, the Brontosaurus wasn't named after novelist Emily Brontë? Didn't she write Jurassic Heights? 5:06 PM · 2020-08-24 · Twitter Web App 103 Retweets and comments 289 Likes

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