36 Absolute Belters From Scottish Twitter

Tilesh Bo October 22, 2020

Awrite meme-lovers! It's time for a hearty dose of Scottish Twitter. We've got a load of hilarious bangers from r/ScottishPeopleTwitter and @Scottish_Tweets—a real goldmine of crude jokes and puzzling slang. Fair warning: some of these tweets are heavy on the Scots, so unless you're from the Highlands, they might make you feel like a wee walloper. 

1.

Leaf - When marijuana is legalised in a Scotland

2.

Automotive tire - Rachel @BlondeRach3 Someone fly tipped a load of tyres in a farmers field so he's returned them all brilliant. 14:03 · 8/14/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Text - Scottish Tweets @Scottish_Tweets C'mere V u/ChuckBass11 - 9h How did pspspspsps become the thing we say to cats? i Share Award 8.7k 854 BEST COMMENTS farfetchedfrank - 9h The sound is quite high pitched so it gets a cats attention when they're not looking at you. * Reply + 4.9k kwonza - 7h In Russia we say "kis-kis-kis" 2.1k Unclearinstructions 7h In Finland we say "ks-ks-ks" 1.5k SurprisingPecker · 7h & S 6 Awards In Scotland we say "C'mere ya wee cunt" 6.3k +

5.

Text - Gaul Plancy @paul_glancy Nae idea how folk can drink fizzy juice aw day. A had a litre bottle a Irn Bru earlier n ma teeth felt like they were wearing cardigans 18:29 · 6/17/19 · Twitter for iPhone

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Architecture - Leon @leonOreillly Get over it mate UK FISH&CHIP SHOP OF THE YEAR 2009-2010 RA ATLAN 7IC, CHIPS FRESH NANDRGE UK FISH & CHIP SHOP OF THE YEAR 2009-2010 AILANTIC insi N TiKE AWAY

8.

Text - TheFatConsoler ... @TheFatConsol3R My son is terrified of the Loch Ness Monster rn. Absolutely terrified. Keeps asking me questions about it, can it get out of the loch, is the loch far away etc. No idea where he even heard about it. I told him it can drive and could be in our town in about 20mins. Eats wee boys.

9.

Text - Emmet @emmetbabey Male bees die after mating, call that a honey nut cheerio 5:09 PM · 10/17/20 · Twitter for Android 341 Retweets 10 Quote Tweets 2,557 Likes

10.

Text - my friend is seeing this chick who thinks it's totally normal to piss herself on the dance floor of clubs bc the tunes are too good and the toilet queue is too long. I canny wait to fuckjng meet her. What a legend 22:59 · 18 Oct 20 · Twitter for iPhone 25 Retweets 7 Quote Tweets 1,185 Likes δΈͺ

11.

Text - caroline @cazweasel Am no even missing 21:20 ll 4G 21:21 14G West Lothian Police West Lothian Police 7h.G 7h G MISSING TEENAGE BOY - REECE CLARK, WEST LOTHIAN Sarah Stoddart Shared Livingston and Glasgow Police are appealing for assistance in tracing 14-year-old Reece Clark who has been missing from West Lothian since Saturday, 17 October, 2020. 6h Like Reply Reece Clark Im no even missing 5h Like Reply 31 0 Reece was last seen leaving an address in Parkhead Cottages, West Calder, around

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Text - Ross Sayers @Sayers33 'aye mate can I get the ehhh...a fuckin... 12 inch pepperoni supreme pizza please mate' LIVE HOUSE OF COMMONS 14:16 · 9/14/20 · Twitter for Android

14.

Text - claptrap @utterclaptrap 6/25/18 ma grans just caught me filling up ma water bottle in the sink n went mental cos she bought a multipack a volvic. wow sorry didnae realise this was a tory household now, splashin the cash like we've won the lottery or suhin jesus christ nuhin wrong w cooncil juice doll Q 75 273,729 30.5K claptrap @utterclaptrap just a wee sidenote lads since a didnae expect loads of folk to like this: don't attack me/be rude for tweeting in scottish. a beg. like a haven't h

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Room - Lewis X @lewisa95 Imagine buying a rug that looks like a pastry from Greggs Love my new rug 08:10 · 9/7/20 · Twitter for iPhone

17.

£10k £20 IMONOROL

18.

Text - Sean Delaney @sdel6795 Who the fuck decided that flour n sugar should be packaged in paper bags aw cheers mate was gony make a cake but the majority of ma flour is on the supermarket floor, ma troosers, the car park n there's enough for aboot 10 lines in the boot ae ma car

19.

Player - Rosa Zambonini @ROSAZAMBONINI When Nicola Sturgeon announces increased quarantine measures in the middle of yer haircut 32Red

20.

Text - Stephen Burnett @SuperStevoe 2h Hey @on_lothianbuses one of your drivers called me a fanny last night. 279 2 Lothian Buses @on_lothianbuses 2h Sorry to hear that Stephen. If you can tell me which bus this was on, I can report this for you. 1 278 13 Scott Reid Retweeted Stephen Burnett @SuperStevoe Replying to @on_lothianbuses Nah it's sound, I was being a fanny. >

21.

Text - not a fucking chance have i just opened my maws box to roll a joint and shes got a bit of totty in amongst all the scraps "for freshness" :S cba O 29 17 108 2,374

22.

Text - Fergie @rossferguson 1 Some burd liked 4 of my photos in a row at 9 this morning then messaged me saying sorry just having a perv wtf ye dain having a chug while eating yer weetabix ya creep

23.

Text - CerysGx @cerys_gibson02 Whit is that like J How long does it take to cook egg? What kind of egg? Read 10:20 am Chicken a think

24.

Job - So hows corona going? WHAT?!?!? Ah dinney ken an scottish

25.

Organism - Evening Dundee Evening Telegraph O Telegraph 3 h. 6 Drug dealers are brazenly selling prescription pills and other illicit substances on a Dundee woman's Facebook page. i EVENINGTELEGRAPH.CO.UK Brazen drug dealer slammed for selling Class B drugs on Facebook along with prescription pills Evening Telegra... D 20 20 comments 8 shares O Like Comment A Share Dawid Pe My friend is asking for the account name.

26.

Text - jake knowles @knowlsiee Imagine being a fuckin vegan, walking hame after a night oot steaming like "fuck me i could go a cabbage supper"

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Glass - Caitlin x @_caitlinmuir Howlinoma mum ordered ma dad a gin class for his bday n wanted it to say "Celtic" in the middle of the glass n she's got this FO HE CELTIC 1888 eltic in the middle xX SALL CLUB

29.

Text - Glasgow folk...workers are still allowed in your house to carry out repairs. Therefore you can have your house party if everyone brings a radiator key and bleeds one each while listening to Rhythm is a Dancer.

30.

Hannah Fry I used to quite like Nutella until I saw the picture of it split up into its constituent parts.. @FryRsquared 3d palm oil skim milk powder tella cocoa hazelnuts sugar O 672 271,155 2,056 Wings Over Scotland @WingsScotland Replying to @FryRsquared If you did the same thing to your mum she wouldn't look great either.

31.

Text - frediana O @freqdie What you doing today x am in hospital xx Today 12:51 Oh no why? X Today 14:25 having my baby ah x gutted i'm not out tonight man haha x 10:58 · 10/7/20 · Twitter for iPhone

32.

Text - Flanny. @FlannyTweets Tomorrow nights plan sorted then B Broony > Happening mate! Fancy a wank do by the river tomorrow night? Hahaha l'm guessing autocorrect has kicked in there Yeah, my bad! Meant canal not river fuck off Delivered

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Text - Irvine Welsh @IrvineWelsh Sunday is tough bastard. They think its their day where they reset you into wage slavery. Is it fuck. So you have to treat Sunday rough, show it who's boss and hammer the bastard relentlessly. The recovery must be on Monday or Tuesday ie: their time. Attack! 07:57 · 8/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

35.

Text - CAV @cavaandaviid Mine does Ü UberFacts @UberFacts · 8/29/20 Birds don't fart. 08:36 · 8/29/20 · Twitter for iPhone

36.

Text - spooky socialist @WritingGabe What people expect of the Scots: surly, cheap, drunken, kind of erratic and belligerent. What Scots are actually like: just incredibly, vocally proud of how good our tap water is. 16:06 · 8/18/20 · Twitter Web App

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Tilesh Bo

Posted by Tilesh Bo

HI, Tilesh Bo here, currently an IT student but a part-time digital marketer.

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