54 Amusing Tweets Fresh From The Funny Minds Of Twitter

We're back with another round of fresh and funny tweets from all corners of the bird app. In this collection, you'll find painfully relatable tweets about trying to be productive in the time of Covid, random and absurd tweets about nothing in particular, mildly topical tweets with a tongue-in-cheek edge, and plenty of other amusing Twitter gold. If you're in the mood for even more tweets, we've got lots more here

1.

Text - SneezingWithWetMascara @WetMascara Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated. 10:04 AM · 2021-01-14 · Twitter for Android 291 Retweets 5 Quote Tweets 849 Likes

2.

Text - Mike Trapp O @MikeWTrapp Seeing a lot of posts like, "And what of the man I call Filthy Gulliver who cleans my feasting hall while I pelt him with eggs??? Does HE deserve $15/ hr?!?!?" 4:33 AM · 2021-01-17 · Twitter for iPhone 2,913 Retweets 26 Quote Tweets 20.4K Likes

3.

Text - randy @randypaint ron weasley: i have to use old books harry potter: wow ron: and torn up shitty clothes harry: yuck lol ron: would be crazy if my best friend had a vault full of gold and could maybe help me out a little harry: ya Imao that would be crazy 9:38 PM · 2020-01-02 · Twitter for iPhone 39.3K Retweets 1,166 Quote Tweets 312K Likes

4.

Text - caleb hearon ... @calebsaysthings i am awake because i am an artist and going to sleep at a decent time is corporate whereas i am punk rock 3:41 AM · 2021-01-18 · Twitter for iPhone 239 Retweets 6 Quote Tweets 1,938 Likes

5.

Text - @HeavenlyControl Imagine being a grown ass man and still watching sports lol go watch an anime or something like an adult 1:48 AM · 2021-01-12 · Twitter for iPhone 386 Retweets 26 Quote Tweets 4,109 Likes

6.

Text - KALI UCHIS @KALIUCHIS i think it's very sexy of me that i've been minding my business more than ever before 12:29 PM · 2021-01-18 · Twitter for iPhone 9,484 Retweets 351 Quote Tweets 32.8K Likes

7.

Text - cap'n watsisname @capnwatsisname [second week of being able to talk to animals] omg you like food I get it 12:18 AM · 2021-01-17 · Twitter Web App 106 Retweets 382 Likes

8.

Parallel - Gary Meatballs @GaryMeatballs This truck has a jellyfish launcher EAR 1:07 PM · 2021-01-16 · Twitter for Android 8,495 Retweets 236 Quote Tweets 38.9K Likes

9.

Text - chris @yunglame had a dream my girl shit herself at the club so i shit MY self to make her feel better why the fuck we aint just leave 9:34 AM · 2021-01-15 · Twitter for iPhone 42.5K Retweets 6,254 Quote Tweets 530K Likes

10.

Text - i can be your long lost pal @PallaviGunalan a high school reunion but just for you and your ambition 12:16 PM · 2021-01-17 · Twitter Web App 101 Retweets 6 Quote Tweets 911 Likes

11.

Text - John McCain's B enis @DonnyMartell STOP SENDING PEOPLE UNDER 35 THINGS TO PRINT AT HOME. WE DO NOT HAVE PRINTERS. 5:19 PM · 2021-01-15 · Twitter for Android 30.7K Retweets 4,592 Quote Tweets 295K Likes

12.

Text - stoned cold fox @roastmalone_ All dogs have their name and like 20 nicknames that started as variations of their name but then spiralled out of control. 12:43 PM · 2021-01-17 · Twitter for iPhone 108 Retweets 10 Quote Tweets 1,052 Likes

13.

Text - ska scholar @CTWritePretty every time the minimum wage comes up like 60% of America reveals that they're apparently really worried about McDonald's profit margins 2:17 PM · 2021-01-16 · Twitter for iPhone 42.2K Retweets 779 Quote Tweets 345K Likes

14.

Text - tom @pilau My favourite lockdown activity is looking at all the amazing things other people have achieved and wondering why I'm so lazy 11:07 AM · 2021-01-17 · Twitter for iPhone 427 Retweets 11 Quote Tweets 3,065 Likes

15.

Text - slate @PleaseBeGneiss if i avoid enough responsibilities the consequences pile up like a weighted blanket i can sleep under. a consequilt 11:06 PM · 2021-01-18 · Twitter for iPhone 338 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets 1,948 Likes

16.

Text - Lil Bit @LizerReal If the cat climbs into a house guest's lap, I like to freeze and whisper, "Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying." 10:26 AM · 2021-01-18 · Twitter Web App 42 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 115 Likes

17.

Text - Arianna Bradford ... @thearibradford When COVID is over, there'll be 2 types of people: Those who want to compensate for lost time and go everywhere , and those who are so used to being hermits that just the idea of people makes them itchy. Invariably, one of each of these will be dating or married to each other. 5:16 PM · 2021-01-16 · Twitter for iPhone 121 Retweets 11 Quote Tweets 902 Likes

18.

Human - Hi I'm wummex ... @Prettywummex_ Food gives you energy Me after eating: 12:19 PM · 2021-01-16 · Twitter for Android 104K Retweets 4,444 Quote Tweets 397K Likes

19.

Text - Cynthia C @cynthiahops Let people believe in astrology you still believe Jesus was white 12:31 PM · 2021-01-17 · Twitter for iPhone 34.3K Retweets 1,601 Quote Tweets 218K Likes

20.

Text - mattewe @mattewe02 imagine if teeth got all tangled up like hair and that's why you had to brush them 12:33 AM · 2021-01-18 · Twitter for iPhone 226 Retweets 15 Quote Tweets 639 Likes

21.

Text - frankie @frankieplsrelax seth rogen did exactly what I thought I was going to do this pandemic by developing a cool skill and I did what I thought he would do by smoking weed everyday 8:02 PM · 2021-01-17 · Twitter for iPhone 186 Retweets 5 Quote Tweets 2,904 Likes

22.

Text - Glenn @Shenaniglenns a spinoff of young sheldon called old sheldon where he dies immediately 4:16 PM · 2021-01-18 · Twitter for iPhone 861 Retweets 17 Quote Tweets 13K Likes

23.

Text - Kristi @oh_em_fn_gee Follows diet Diet doesn't follow back Unfollows diet 10:42 AM · 2019-04-26 · Twitter for Android 367 Retweets 12 Quote Tweets 983 Likes

24.

Text - Laurazepam @andlikelaura ... why do people like to brag about how early they wake up? you know what's worth bragging about? sleeping in till noon, that shit feels amazing 2:27 PM · 2021-01-18 · Twitter for iPhone 582 Retweets 31 Quote Tweets 7,220 Likes

25.

Text - meh @bonehugsnirony nobody knows what they're doing people just wake up and hope they don't cry in public or accidentally call their boss "mom." life is weird, man 8:23 PM · 2019-05-16 · Twitter for iPhone 777 Retweets 10 Quote Tweets 2,663 Likes

26.

Text - Katie Didn't @Pork_Chop_Hair One of my biggest fears is getting the courage to start the Happy Birthday song and no one else joins in, so I just keep doing the "Нааааааааaaaaaaaaaaаааааaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa–" part forever. 5:29 PM · 2020-03-04 · Twitter for iPhone 372 Retweets 9 Quote Tweets 1,400 Likes

27.

Text - Better things are possible @InternetHippo Posting is a fundamentally frivolous activity, thinking that any of this matters in the slightest way is one of the first symptoms of Online Brain, a dangerous condition that requires treatment 3:48 PM · 2020-09-06 · Twitter for Mac 306 Retweets 13 Quote Tweets 1,815 Likes

28.

Text - an actual goblin @gobloid3 i loved growing up with the internet in the early 2000s! i played flash games, i took care of neopets, i saw a beheading video when i was 12, i made friends on myspace, 7:10 PM · 2021-01-17 · Twitter for Android 30.2K Retweets 1,800 Quote Tweets 258K Likes

29.

Text - peso @pesobugatti i'm a homebody but damn, i did like going to a couple places 12:07 PM · 2021-01-18 · Twitter for iPhone 28.3K Retweets 940 Quote Tweets 119K Likes

30.

Text - kie @kieransofar colleague: i hate the clown from IT me: same he never fixes my computer 3:59 PM · 2021-01-18 · Twitter for iPhone 763 Retweets 22 Quote Tweets 8,775 Likes

31.

Text - Michael Kofi A.||4 @MikeKofiA People when they talk about student debt Would it be fair to the people the trolley has already killed to divert it now? 2:58 PM · 2021-01-18 · Twitter for Android 21.1K Retweets 299 Quote Tweets 127K Likes

32.

Text - Grace Segers O @Grace_Segers Thope this email finds you living in a shotgun shack Thope this email finds you in another part of the world T hope this email finds you behind the wheel of a large automobile Thope this email finds you in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife 11:29 PM · 2020-05-21 · Twitter for Android 11.1K Retweets 467 Quote Tweets 56.3K Likes

33.

Text - Sammy @thesammyhannah my favourite bit of a tv series is at the end when i can finally read the reviews to work out how i felt about it 3:59 PM · 2021-01-18 · Twitter for Android 74 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets 255 Likes

34.

Text - mariya foxter @grl_fieri "flipping burgers" as an insult is SO000 funny cause it's like okay what do you do? type on a keyboard? uh oh watch out mister TypeALot is more valuable Imfaoooo0oO 3:20 PM · 2021-01-16 · Twitter for iPhone 19.9K Retweets 657 Quote Tweets 181K Likes

35.

Text - kill ... @ethnyagami why they warming my vaccine in a spoon 9:33 AM · 2021-01-18 · Twitter for iPhone 40.1K Retweets 2,344 Quote Tweets 358K Likes

36.

Text - kenzie @kenzhadley yesterday i completed a chore that i've been putting off for 5 months. it took me 20 minutes. i will learn nothing from this 11:38 AM · 2021-01-18 · Twitter for iPhone 61.6K Retweets 2,987 Quote Tweets 563K Likes

37.

Text - Caitlin @caithuls "The Star Wars universe" it's called astrology you dumb bitch 12:26 PM · 2020-12-22 · Twitter for iPhone 136 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 1,205 Likes

38.

Text - Idaly @eedalyy I'm pissed my dog can't talk ik that mf funny as hell 10:08 PM · 2021-01-13 · Twitter for iPhone 34.8K Retweets 1,791 Quote Tweets 208K Likes

39.

Text - bailey moon @Baileymoon15 i just got the vaccine and the microchip that's now in my brain came with another free U2 album 5:03 PM · 2021-01-13 · Twitter for iPhone 23.4K Retweets 718 Quote Tweets 294K Likes

40.

Text - temmie @tuyoki doing stuff is hard shoutout to anyone who does anything 4:29 PM · 2021-01-14 · Twitter Web App 7,102 Retweets 69 Quote Tweets 28.7K Likes

41.

Text - detective dr strange @jeronicus all cats are just some little guy in your house 9:30 AM · 2021-01-14 · Twitter for iPhone 6,359 Retweets 182 Quote Tweets 34K Likes

42.

Text - giabuchi lastrassi @jaboukie $15 minimum wage? how am I supposed to feel better about my position in the social hierarchy if there aren't millions of people unnecessarily suffering beneath me? some of you don't know economics 6:31 PM · 2021-01-16 · Twitter for iPhone 17.6K Retweets 194 Quote Tweets 104K Likes

43.

Text - elle superstar saga @ellewasamistake me: *comes up with 100 different twists* movie: *one happens* me: fucken called it 8:16 AM · 2021-01-16 · Twitter Web App 50 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets 614 Likes

44.

Text - kelly @kelllicopter why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes 5:03 PM · 2021-01-14 · Twitter for iPhone 62.5K Retweets 2,049 Quote Tweets 471K Likes

45.

Text - Megan Gilbert @meegangilbert If you're reading this: tense your jaw and shoulders, tighten your entire body, don't drink water for 48 hours. You got this 8:58 PM · 2021-01-15 · Twitter for iPhone 26.8K Retweets 990 Quote Tweets 269K Likes

46.

Text - That Mom Tho @mom_tho I don't know who needs to hear this but take the meat out of the freezer to thaw for tomorrow 7:22 PM · 2021-01-10 · Twitter for iPhone 339 Retweets 19 Quote Tweets 2,881 Likes

47.

Lip - vibes @CypticNoOne gets into a serious relationship * * the people that didn't want you: 5:11 AM · 2021-01-16 · Twitter for Android 11K Retweets 1,001 Quote Tweets 39.6K Likes

48.

Text - Celeste Labedz ... @celestelabedz I don't put projects on the back burner. I put them under the floorboards, where the ever-louder beating of their hearts drives me slowly to madness. 3:15 PM · 2021-01-14 · Twitter Web App 13.9K Retweets 561 Quote Tweets 84.4K Likes

49.

thomas @perfectsweeties normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes 5:51 PM · 2021-01-14 · Twitter for Android 519 Retweets 12 Quote Tweets 7,059 Likes

50.

Text - Ron Iver ... @ronnui_ Eating popcorn happens in two distinct phases- phase one is eating the kernels one at a time in a civilized manner and phase two is ramming fistfuls of popcorn into your mouth like you're stuffing a sleeping bag. Nobody knows how or when the transition OCcurs. 4:07 PM · 2021-01-14 · Twitter for Android 596 Retweets 29 Quote Tweets 5,699 Likes

51.

Text - wint @dril for like 8 months i thought covid was one of those joke diseases where you ask "what's covid" and the other guy tells tou to suck his nuts 5:33 AM · 2021-01-17 · Twitter Web App 3,724 Retweets 43 Quote Tweets 34.8K Likes

52.

Text - CS @chelseasomba Now that we live in covid times I can't believe we used to have to go to work with a cold and it would be normal to just infect everyone with your cold 2:12 PM · 2021-01-16 · Twitter for iPhone 14.2K Retweets 1,025 Quote Tweets 109K Likes

53.

Text - slate @PleaseBeGneiss imagine your government calling you an essential worker and then saying you don't deserve $15/hour 12:03 PM · 2021-01-16 · Twitter for iPhone 10K Retweets 201 Quote Tweets 74.1K Likes

54.

Text - Kooky/Sg5 @shawarmacommie The US isn't even a country, it's just three corporations in a trench coat 1:02 AM · 2021-01-16 · Twitter Web App 22.9K Retweets 475 Quote Tweets 159K Likes

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